This Is How Pink, Beyonce and Britney Wake Me Up Every Morning in My Dreams Bedroom

Truth be told, even though this commercial is about 3 years old (or more?) I still don't understand how exactly its supposed to make you want to drink Pepsi. But ours is not to worry about trivial things like logic. Nay! Ours is to watch Beyonce, Pink and Brit-Brit stomp around gladiator-style and sing some nonsense (in Pink's case, REALLY well). I dare say ours is to perv like the good little lesbians we are.



Oh and also, for those of you who have never seen this pic of P!nk, you are quite welcome:

Catch Up On My "L Word" Top 10 Lists of Yore!

"Yore" of course being Season 5;-)

Season 6 Top 10 lists start January 19th!

Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
Episode 11
Episode 12

I'd Love To Do Keira...Knightley...If You Know What I Mean

I've counted exactly 14 different things that make this one-minute commercial with Keira Knightley and Joss Stone wonderful. Can you list them? I'll give you the first one to help you out. In the first 2 seconds, Joss makes a moaning sound to kick off the song. What are the other 13? :-)

Sundays Are For (Lesbian) Lovers

Who else is super excited about Sundays on Showtime starting January 18th??

Of course you've got the final season of the L Word where they've gone and lost their minds again and killed off another fan favorite. Don't worry, I haven't just given you a spoiler. If you didn't already know, this is what Showtime and the L Word posse's entire promotional campaign is based on.



And here's a 2 minute teaser Showtime recently revealed...


I have my theories, and I'll tell you guys in the comments, if you wanna know:-) I'll definitely have my Top 10 lists again after each show, and might even vlog about it...not sure yet. I think this season is going to be fun, just based on some of the rumors I've heard and leaked vids I've seen. *coughhotHelenasexcough* So I can't wait!

Then in the next time slot, you've got the amazing Toni Collette (YUM!) in a series that's written by Diablo Cody of "Juno" fame. It looks pretty interesting from what I can see. The only thing that worries me a bit is that Showtime hasn't put any advertising behind the show on Youtube or online much, which could indicate it sucks? I don't know...but they had me at "Toni Collette."

And my favorite new show of 2008 has GOT to be "Secret Diary of a Call Girl." Oh my good lord...have you seen this yet?? It's amazing. The first episode I saw a few months ago (which incidentally wasn't the first of the series) was a bit slow and didn't catch my attention. But thankfully I gave it a second chance the next week and oh my. Let's do the math, shall we: Hot bitch? Check. Hot bitch that talks about sex for 80% of the show while mostly in some form of undress? Check. Hot bitch that talks about sex for 80% of the show while mostly in some form of undress...with a BRITISH ACCENT?? Um...check. The only thing--and I literally mean the only thing*--that would make this series better, is if Rachel Shelley were one of Belle's clients in an episode.

If you've been reading the blog for a while, watch this trailer for the show and see if you can count how many reasons/ways I love this show:


*another thing would be if I were the stand in for every single client in every single episode, and also if I got to totally do it with Billie Piper on and off screen.

Video of Jincey Reading Her Own Lesbian Erotica. Yes. Amen. And You're Welcome.

OK here's the deal: Jincey's a good friend of mine now and I'm so happy she came into my life this year. She's a genuine and wonderful woman. Intelligent. Strong. Simply lovely. One day I'll do her hair for her wedding and she'll do my laundry like Barbara Hershey did for Bette Midler in "Beaches." It'll be good times. BFF...and whatnot.

But uh, that being said...um...this shit is HOT. Watch this video and try not to get turned on. No go ahead...I dare you:


I apologize to those god-fearing readers for the profanity, especially right after Christmas and all, but Jesus Holy Fucking Christ! Am I crying?? I think...yeah I think...I am. Cause its like...word. True that. Amen. And you had me at hello (and also at "I want to be dirty for you. Nasty. A bad girl....and I am.")

Jincey started the equally sexy website www.digiromp.com. If you have not yet joined this community that a lot of my readers and I are currently part of, here's what you do. Pull your pants back up. Stop sucking your thumb and rocking back and forth and click on over to the site. Sign up takes seconds, but the memories and the moaning...well those last a lifetime, my friend. Oh and its of course FREE.

Does youtube have a rewind button??

Dude, You Kiss Like a Girl....and I Like It!

Have you noticed that some of today's most successful leading men would make pretty good...well, leading women in some lesbian films? Its always been something that I've thought about, and I was reminded of it again while watching "Jerry Mcguire" today on Showtime. I saw the movie originally about 5 years ago (yep, a good 7 years after it uh, *came out*) but there was nothing else on and I like the sound of Regina King's voice (shoutout to "Boondocks" fans!) so I thought I'd leave it on in the background.

In some mainstream movies, some love scenes remind me of something right out of an indie--and prolly Canadian--lesbifest. Let me show you what I'm talking about.

Sexhibit A: The kissing scene in Jerry Mcguire:

Yeah, she's got a secret garden alright. It's called "Tom Cruise was my lesbian gym coach Freshman year of college and we totally made out in front of her house one night after a good game."

Sexhibit B: The *oh my god you're so lucky you get to do Claire Forlani* scene in "Meet Joe Black"


Word. If I were Brad Pitt (or uh..."Death", as it were), and I were naked atop Claire Forlani, I'd probably look like that too. But then again, I'm THE GAY. So it's to be expected. Brad's smooth body, purdy lips and delicate, longing gaze make him officially one of the hottest lesbians I've ever seen have sex with Claire Forlani on screen. Mmmm...yumsters!

Sexhibit C: Every sex scene in Don Juan Demarco:


Dude. Where do I start?? The long, teasing hair. The eyeliner. The butterfly kisses. I'm saying. I bet you didn't know that Don Juan Demarco was one of the best lesbian films ever made, huh. Yep.

Oh and for a bonus sexhibit, go watch any love scene involving Brad Pitt in "Legends of the Fall." Brad Pitt = hot lesbian. That's why Angelina fell for him to begin with. Duh!

Once again, En-dyke-lo-pedia Brown has cracked the code and is at your service.

As you were.

"I'm Going to Go Take a Shower and Wash the Smell of Clown Off of Me."

It's the Britney Spears song you didn't hear on the radio:-)

Alright so I'm loving these reader recommendations! Yesterday was Jenna's awesome major art project where she walked around the streets of San Fran topless (my fav type of "top"). Today's submission comes from a reader named Jeru whose ex girlfriend's sister (*deep breath*) plays the bride-to-be in this funny clip. There are some really good quotable quotes, including the title of this post and "Oops. I fucked your sister." Um...did someone say myspace headline? Yeah-huh!



The vid was just added to the website FunnyOrDie (the site that brought you the Prop 8 Musical)...if you dig it, CLICK HERE to show your support and let them know with wicked cool comments.

Fun fact: Both Jeru's and Jenna's myspace profiles have UH HUH HER songs as their defaults, and they both live in the same part of northern Cali. Perhaps I should relocate? They seem to grow 'em good up in those parts. Mmmmm....

And Now, an Installment of ArlanPiece Theater....

Every once in a while, I will be bringing you some of the best lesbian-themed clips from youtube. In the past, I've simply overlooked these clips because the acting in them is SO wonderful, and the message TOO profound. But I think we're all finally ready for the best of the best; the cream of the crop, as it were. I will call these special clips: "Arlanpiece Theater." It is imperative that you imagine me sitting on a couch, smoking a pipe (not that kind, you dirty bird), and speaking in my Madonna accent while introducing each clip.

In this first scene, I will be portrayed by the Russian actress (my doppelganger), and Mcphee will be portrayed by the British actress. This is taken directly from an entry in my diary that I wrote only minutes after explaining to Mcphee how babies are made:



And the best part? Mcphee totally bought it!

Suck My Kiss

I received a message from a reader named Jenna this morning asking me to take a look at a recent vid she uploaded to youtube. I'm thinking of doing this on the streets of different cities in England. Cept my belly will say "...if you're a chick, native to this country, and breathing." The one good thing about me having Santa's belly is that all those words would probably actually fit!:-)

Here's what Jenna had to say about the vid...

I am a student at California College of the Arts and for my 4D class I had to do a public performance piece. I chose to do mine on prop 8, since it's very important to me. I think you and your readers would like my piece, so I thought I'd send it to you... I hope you enjoy it. Leave comments and let me know what you think!

The whole thing is awesome, but my favorite part is at around 4:55:

Password: "Lesbian"

Here's the thing: I like words. Heaps. One could even say that I'm a *head tilt & Austin Powers pause* cunning...linguist. But what I like most about words is the fact that they are frequently spoken on TV by hot bitches while I'm in a seedy hotel room at the airport. And so was the case last Thursday night when one of my faaav straight-married-chicks-that-should-totally-go-gay Aisha Tyler was on some newfangled version of the game show "Password."

You've undoubtedly seen Aisha on "Friends," "24," "Nip/Tuck" and some films. She's SOOOO hot (and funny, and smart, and sexy, and...), but when she gets all serious about words and shiz, I get a little warm in my naughty bits. Things really start to heat up in the 2nd round:



Can you imagine if I were on that show and the word "lesbian" came up? And can you also imagine if that happened and I was in a 4-way orgy with a bunch of topless British chicks who all took turns bending over a desk and calling me "master"? Yeah...me too. *sigh*

Ahem.

And for those of you who are like, dude, when did YDLM blog turn into an episode of Sesame Street with all this word and talking business, I have a little something for you from Aisha's past. You have my permission to watch this clip a dozen or so times though to tell me what the hell you think is going on:


Damn. Is Milla Jovovich the new Neve Campbell? She gets around, don't she?

Warren Peace?

We all know I love me some Obama, but this man should NOT be allowed anywhere near a microphone during the Inauguration! Are you kidding me??



YUCK! So sad. Come on Obama, there's still time to change your mind and make this right.

Forget Gay Marriage. Let's Move Right on to Gay Polygamy!

That way, my marriage to Katharine Mcphee, Rachel Shelley, P!nk, Joss Stone, and Michelle Ryan will get the respect it deserves. And when I get on bended knee and propose marriage to Leona Lewis, she won't have any reservations since it'll be all legal-like. Score!

This is just a beautiful and brilliant cover of Snow Patrol's "Run" that Leona released recently. Makes me wanna wear a dress and run through the forest. Or make sweet love to all of the ladies mentioned in this post. Whichever happens first.


And who can forget this still-unexplained video of my 2nd wife Rachel Shelley lip-syncing to the same song last year. Oh to be a cup of coffee. *sigh*

Introducing: Courtney Fairchild... (again!)

I've known super-*out* singer/songwriter Courtney Fairchild for frickin' EVER. We met back in my hometown of Dallas, TX a few years ago when she was only allowed into bars to perform (cause she was a wee lass, not cause she was a known kleptomaniac or anything). She's now based out of Philadelphia and frequently plays shows on the east coast, in Texas and southern California.

Check out a few of my favorite performances of hers...

"Dog Wouldn't Run" (written by Patty Larkin)


"Dragonfly" by Courtney Fairchild


"Overlap" (written by Ani Difranco)


...and add her as a friend @ myspace.com/courtneyfairchild
if you dig what you hear. I'm sure if you ask her nicely enough, she'll come to your town and perform.

Thanks...Jenny's...Left...Brain!

Due to my recent economic transition (aka being broke and homeless, ahem), I've been bouncing around to different friends' couches and discount hotels at LAX on the last bit of "credit" I have. Don't feel sorry for me though, for I get to finally use the word "vagabond" in general conversation!

For a few days at one of these airport establishments, I enjoyed the lovely soft murmurings of what I can only assume was a jackhammer of some sort being used in its regular function, and then every once in a while being actually hurled against my wall for good measure. This is what happens when you book a 2-star hotel at the airport in your own town because there's a discount due to a "renovation." As soon as I realized that the "Pardon our dust" sign at the entrance was practically illegible due to ALL THE FRICKIN DUST covering it, and that there was an actual "Hard Hat Area" banner across the front door (no hard hats provided of course), I knew I was in for a real treat.

So as the mind-numbing banging continued, imagine my delight when I came across the lovely and calming Mia Kirshner on the Tavis Smiley show to delicately drown it out. In seasons 1 and 2, I kinda wanted to throw Jenny off a train while screaming "Towaaandaaaa" and see what would happen. But then a beautiful fan video that a girl in Montreal did a couple of years ago completely changed my mind. And of course Mia's *Jenny* in season 5 made me a complete convert. And thank Jenny's Left Boob that happened!

For those of you who are still on the fence (or throwing rocks at Jenny from the other side of it), I dare you to not be a Mia/Jenny fan after watching these 2 videos:




I can't wait to get this book collection. One of my amazing readers recently told me that it changed her life and might help save mine, so I'm on a hunt for it. Maybe we should have "Arlan's book club" and all read it together? That'd be fun, right! What do you guys think?

...and just in case you missed this video the first time around, oh my:

And You Thought There Were a Lotta Dykes at the Dinah Shore Pool!

Alls I'm sayin' is...there appears to be a bit of a theme. That's all.

Go to this player profile site for the Women's Professional Billiards Association and look at a few of the ladies...and tell me if you notice anything...

Start by clicking here...

Yummy...where do I sign up??

:-)