Scandalous Photos of Me and My Wife Katharine Mcphee

When Katharine Mcphee heard that I was considering divorcing her in order to make room for the very fetching (and lets face it: British version of her) Joss Stone, she knew she had to take action. It took a few weeks for her to take this action because she was a little busy promoting her new album, chopping her hair off and dying it blonde, and being generally sexy and awesome. And take it from someone who's had to do all 3 of those things, it is NO easy feat!

Until now, I've refused to share photographs of me and my wife publicly. She's begged and pleaded, "Ar-bar-- (she calls me "Ar-bar," you see)..."Ar-bar," she'll say, "I want the world to know about our love and our lovemaking. Not just your video camera." Then inevitably she breaks into song, which I don't mind at all. If I could sing like her, I'd sing all day. Just like if I looked like her naked, I'd be naked all day. She usually sings "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge or "Your Secret Love" by Luther Vandross.

Anyhoo! Last Wednesday while I was at Hollywood & Highland in L.A. for a GIRLTRASH movie meeting with my fellow P.A.'s, Mcphee put her plan into motion. What better way to keep me tethered to her than to set up an elaborate role playing exercise involving a faux ice-cream truck apparatus, lots of extras, a CD promo giveaway, and a charity. The charity was the icing on the cake. She really went all out, that one.

And now, I give you said sex play, in photographs. Please note that in some of these pictures, I may look like this is the first time I'm meeting her after being in love for more than 3 years. It may appear that I had no idea she was going to be there, and that when I found out, I jumped up and down like a schoolgirl. All part of the master plan, my friends.:

This icecream truck is costing me $150/hr. I hope Arlan gets here soon, so I can, ya know, DO HER, in it.

Look lady, I get that you're a fan and I'm posted up in this here icecream truck looking like I'm ready to give out autographs to anyone who passes by, but I'm waiting on my wife, and if you eff this up for me, I'm clotheslining you.

...you're still here? You obviously have never kissed Arlan before. If you had, you'd understand how badly I need for you to scram and make room for her. I swear I'm *THIS* close to wacking you one.

Alright, FINE. You've got some nerve.

This is the part where, even though I normally look like Rose Rollins, I decide instead to wear a grubby beanie, my skin decides to play tricks on me, and then something about the Hollywood/Highland area makes me look like some sort of carnie. I see my beloved in the crowd....

Arlan? Is that you? You normally look like Rose Rollins and right now you look like Rose Rollins' broke cousin. But I still love you. Will you make sweet beanie love to me in this charity ice cream truck?

Yes it's me. Wait though, this chick is taking a picture. Let me try to look as fucked up as humanly possible. .....Ok cool...the answer is yes, yes I will. Do you have fudgecicles back there?

In this promo cd you've manufactured, there's a key to a room at the Roosevelt hotel. Autograph it for me, so this all looks legit, and then meet me there in half an hour. No wait, I'll need at least half an hour to convince them that I'm not Rose Rollins' broke cousin. So make it an hour. Wear that thing I like.

"Which one?" - Mcphee
*Head tilt*...*beat*
"...my body." - Me
*Camera snap.*
....and...scene!

All photos (except this one) taken by:

Sky!