I've Been Telling Her This for YEARS...

Step 1: Watch the video.

Step 2: Listen to the lyrics.

Step 3: Imagine my face right now:

Scandalous Photos of Me and My Wife Katharine Mcphee

When Katharine Mcphee heard that I was considering divorcing her in order to make room for the very fetching (and lets face it: British version of her) Joss Stone, she knew she had to take action. It took a few weeks for her to take this action because she was a little busy promoting her new album, chopping her hair off and dying it blonde, and being generally sexy and awesome. And take it from someone who's had to do all 3 of those things, it is NO easy feat!

Until now, I've refused to share photographs of me and my wife publicly. She's begged and pleaded, "Ar-bar-- (she calls me "Ar-bar," you see)..."Ar-bar," she'll say, "I want the world to know about our love and our lovemaking. Not just your video camera." Then inevitably she breaks into song, which I don't mind at all. If I could sing like her, I'd sing all day. Just like if I looked like her naked, I'd be naked all day. She usually sings "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge or "Your Secret Love" by Luther Vandross.

Anyhoo! Last Wednesday while I was at Hollywood & Highland in L.A. for a GIRLTRASH movie meeting with my fellow P.A.'s, Mcphee put her plan into motion. What better way to keep me tethered to her than to set up an elaborate role playing exercise involving a faux ice-cream truck apparatus, lots of extras, a CD promo giveaway, and a charity. The charity was the icing on the cake. She really went all out, that one.

And now, I give you said sex play, in photographs. Please note that in some of these pictures, I may look like this is the first time I'm meeting her after being in love for more than 3 years. It may appear that I had no idea she was going to be there, and that when I found out, I jumped up and down like a schoolgirl. All part of the master plan, my friends.:

This icecream truck is costing me $150/hr. I hope Arlan gets here soon, so I can, ya know, DO HER, in it.

Look lady, I get that you're a fan and I'm posted up in this here icecream truck looking like I'm ready to give out autographs to anyone who passes by, but I'm waiting on my wife, and if you eff this up for me, I'm clotheslining you.

...you're still here? You obviously have never kissed Arlan before. If you had, you'd understand how badly I need for you to scram and make room for her. I swear I'm *THIS* close to wacking you one.

Alright, FINE. You've got some nerve.

This is the part where, even though I normally look like Rose Rollins, I decide instead to wear a grubby beanie, my skin decides to play tricks on me, and then something about the Hollywood/Highland area makes me look like some sort of carnie. I see my beloved in the crowd....

Arlan? Is that you? You normally look like Rose Rollins and right now you look like Rose Rollins' broke cousin. But I still love you. Will you make sweet beanie love to me in this charity ice cream truck?

Yes it's me. Wait though, this chick is taking a picture. Let me try to look as fucked up as humanly possible. .....Ok cool...the answer is yes, yes I will. Do you have fudgecicles back there?

In this promo cd you've manufactured, there's a key to a room at the Roosevelt hotel. Autograph it for me, so this all looks legit, and then meet me there in half an hour. No wait, I'll need at least half an hour to convince them that I'm not Rose Rollins' broke cousin. So make it an hour. Wear that thing I like.

"Which one?" - Mcphee
*Head tilt*...*beat*
"...my body." - Me
*Camera snap.*
....and...scene!

All photos (except this one) taken by:

Sky!

I Will Put My Boot in That Bee's Ass

You guys saw the vid I posted of Katharine Mcphee getting rescued from the paparazzi by a kick-ass lady, right? (See "Contrary to Popular Belief..." post from a few days ago). I honestly didn't think things could get better than that, but I was SO wrong. You HAVE to see this brand new video my wife did with said kick-ass chick for FunnyorDie.com:



A star is born!

Contrary to Popular Belief, the Woman at 1:08 is NOT Me;-)

You all know that I would step in front of a speeding marshmellow for my wifey, Katharine Mcphee. And as much as I'd like to totally kick it with the chick that comes to her rescue in this video, I have to squash the rumors that this is me RIGHT NOW.



That lady has a hell of a lot more style than I do.

Oh and I'm like you: I wish Mcphee had answered the same-sex question too. I think I speak for both of us--my wife and I--when I say that Katharine LOVES same-sex...sex. Marriage? I don't know...you'll have to ask her yourself.

P.S....I'm back! I know it's been a minute, and I'm sorry about leaving y'all, but I had to once again take care of some personal stuff. At least I left you with a message about lesbian porn for a monf, right? Right. Do me a solid and leave a comment if you're still out there.

Mcphee Takes a Break From Lovin' Up on Me to Appear on CSI Tonight

All you haterz who thought Mcphee and I had gotten a divorce, well, stick it in ya pie-hole, lady. Cause we just got through making sweet love and the neighbors are highly upset (and aroused). Wanna know why we were so happy at 1 in the afternoon? Cause today is the day Katharine appears on CSI. She's once again showing the world her natural breasts acting and singing talents.

And if that wasn't enough to blow your everlovin' mind, she's got new music too, y'all. This is one of the songs and another little sneak peak at tonight's epi:

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...Watch old Katharine Mcphee interviews.

Yes folks, today's post is a selfish one. I'm dedicating it to things that are helping me feel better about having my myspace page deleted all of a sudden, with no explanation. *sigh*

UPDATE: My myspace profile has been restored! Such a strange, strange day/week. But I'm super grateful...You can add me by clicking on the tab at the top of the site

Those things are:

1. Mcphee, eatin' fruit (it aint the only fruit she's been eatin) and doin' freestyle Amy Winehouse. Nothin' better than that on a dreary day:


2. You guys:-)

Yep, listening to just a few of the calls some of you have made (in the upper right-hand corner of my site) to my snapvine BOX...really heals the soul:-)

3. ...so does Liz Hurley in a maid's outfit...talking all British, and shit:


4. A Pimp Named Slickback. All Day. E'ryday:

(from "Boondocks" tv show)

Mcphee might get jealous, but...

Click here to see my post today on AOL's Queersighted.com

About rock goddess Allison Robertson!

She's just super hot...ok??

There's nothing that isn't hot about my wife Katharine Mcphee.



Yeah Katharine...why would we wanna see your exposed region? Your area. Your...member. Why on earth would that be appealing in the least?

*sigh*

Aw, look at Mcphee butchin' it up, just for me!

...and that rhymed.

you know what? my friend shastina is the wind beneath my wings and my rock, all at the same time. her wings, carry my rock, on a day to day basis.

she just snail mailed me some tear outs from the Summer/Fall issue of Cosmo mag. The pictures are delicious, but the quotes are to die for...



One of the pull quotes reads: "I love wearing some of my boyfriend's stuff, especially his shirts."

My answer to that is: "Her boyfriend is a 40-year old dude. Her wife is a patient 26-year old tall drink of mocha named Arlan. And her boyfriend's stuff looks best when it's on my bedroom floor."

Another pull quote reads: "I can hang with the guys. My dad ended up with two girls, so I was as close as it came to a boy."

My answer to that is: "Uuuh huh. You ain't never lied. And I wish it said "gays" instead of "guys" and "boi" instead of "boy." Let's really help your dad out and make a real man outta ya. I have already jotted down 14 ways we can get started."


When will I stop posting about Mcphee? After our first child is born. Agreed? K.

Anna Faris, Adam Sandler...and Mcphee??

A reader just sent this to me. That reader is now the wind beneath my wings.



And this is a few minutes later where Katharine lets everyone know about the new movie she's filming with Anna Faris (YAAY!!) and Adam Sandler. I will not stalk this film set. I will not stalk this film set. I will not...aw, who am I kidding?



Anna Faris is the fucking BOMB...if the name doesn't ring a bell, she's the crazy main chick from all the Scary Movie movies and "Just Friends"...I hope something like this happens with her and Mcphee...let us all bow our heads to pray:

I want my M(cphee)TV

One of my friends who lives near me gave me her old TV yesterday! I hadn't seen any television in about 5 weeks (but who's counting) because I had to give mine away when I moved. So she's a lifesaver. Thanks Jaimie! The one sad thing is, I got it only hours after my wife Katharine Mcphee-Hamilton (shhh) appeared on Leno Friday night. Loyal reader and my sister-in-lez Shaye informed me today that it's now available on youtube. So here ya go:


And yes, in case you're wondering, I did help her pick out the dress(es) for this performance. I was going for a *lezbot* meets *let me almost see your vajayjay* meets *what she normally wears right before we do it* motif...

Oh, and you know Celine Dion has that signal to her oozeband Rene whenever she performs? I think its whenever she pounds her chest and releases a dove...or pulls on her ear, or some shiz. that's her "secret" signal to him to say she loves him. Well, the wifey and I do too...so go back and watch the clip again. Anytime she shimmies, drops it like its hot, or sashays, its her signal to me that she misses me and she'll be back home soon. And anytime she flips her hair, it's her signal that I should check the stove cause she might have left it on accidentally.

Yesterday after I got the tv, I watched HOURS of "Gunsmoke", as well as discovering "Hey Paula" and even catching the "Good Times" episode where Penny was burned by her crazy mama! I also watched 3 hours of "A.I. Artificial Intelligence"...you know that movie with Jude Law and Haley Joel Os...whatever? I've seen it before years ago, but I forgot how freakin' AWESOME it is! And I don't normally like sci-fi movies at all. This one just has so much imagination and so many surprises. It makes you wonder and dream bigger...and hope harder...much like Oprah. *sigh* And after my "Girlfriends" marathon to end the night, I have to say that Persia White is STILL fine. DAMN YALL!

Katharine Mcphee: The STUFF That Dreams Are Made Of

*CLICK HERE TO SEE MY POST TODAY ON AOL'S QUEERSIGHTED.COM!


(Katharine Katherine Mcphee American Idol Lesbian Gay Music Magazine Cover)

pimp my bride...

*sigh*

oh, Mcphee. *shakes head*

i wish i could quit you.



thanks again to my "lil sis" <--- for sending this to me.

me & kathy mcphee

call 'er my lova...call 'er my friend...

the people who read my blog are fuckin' amazing! check out these two pics that were made for me:-)


by this chick <---

&


by this chick <---

disturbing? perhaps. hilarious? absolutely! i love em!

oh and there is a caption contest with the original picture over on my myspace page...click right HERE to vote for your favorite caption entries...yay!

a Peabody doing air guitar? thats bloody fantastic!

so i woke up this morning and after Mcphee rolled up off of me, i remembered that Rachel Shelley had also spent the night. damn! gotta make that bitch some tea. thats the only drawback to having her in a threesome. since im not the type to "fro her outta bed," i always gotta make her tea.

but as you might have guessed, it is SO worth it.

so im like...ladies, today im sick. do something to entertain me. and Mcphee was all like "ok i'll go get the video camera..." and Rachel was all like, "and gov'na, i'll stand in front of it, and i'll mouth the words to Snow Patrol's "Run." would you like that gov'na?"

and i was all like..."uh, YEAH."



in reality, another type of *lovely Britt* sent this in to me a few minutes ago. so thank you to her for finding it! her myspace page is: www.myspace.com/shika15 if you wanna thank her too! (update: thank you to this chick who sent me another link to this vid once the old one was taken down by youtube.)

we can't figure out what this is for because there is already a music video for the song. but it really doesnt matter cause as ive said before, there is absolutely...NOTHING...that isnt hot...about Rachel Shelley. and i do believe i had an orgasm at 3mins 45seconds (or if its counting backwards for you, at 1:45 before the end). although im in california so it could have just been a mild earthquake.

im so with Will Smith on this one: the erf just MOVED. we didnt do nothin to it, and it MOVED y'all. people who were born here are so calm about earthquakes. its ridiculous. remember that song he sang on the fresh prince during that episode, talking about tisha campbell? "stuck in a basement sittin' on a tricycle girl gettin on my nerves...goin outta my mind i thought she was fine dont know if her body is heeers!"

rachel's body is hers. and i wish it were mine too...

my wife and her boobs. that Mcphee is such a riot.

first of all, this chick and this chick are the fuckin' wind beneath my wings for sending me this clip just now. i dont think you'll see anything better today than what im about to show you...

thank...the lord...JESUS...for this:



(i cant find this clip on youtube or myspace to embed it in this post. if you find it, please let me know so i can have it to look at every day for the rest of my life. thanks!) thanks NINA for finding the clip on youtube for me!

Mcphee is finally coming out!

i originally posted this on jan 12th, but its worth repeating. im at a friend's house in ohio so i'll be able to see it. watch it with me tonight:-)

----

this chick always hooks me up with info on Katharine Mcphee when i miss something. thanks lil sis!

Mcphee is going to guest star on "Ugly Betty" on February 1st. thats cool...but um...guess what the title of that particular show is. no, guess...

....

............

um...its called "I'm Coming Out!"

no, im serious. thats not just wishful thinking. thats what its called. the one with Mcphee.

*crosses fingers...hard*

is gonna be on

my message to you!

hey everyone! well i'll soon be hitting the road for a few hours to visit good friends for a nice new year's eve bash. i like new year's cause its the only time i can say the word "bash". :-)

i was trying to figure out exactly what i could say to express to everyone what it means to have you reading my blog, supporting my projects by buying shirts, sending me inspiring messages, sending me naked pictures of yourselves (hee), and just being *you* all year long! i'm not very good at the speech lernin' so i'll leave it to this video to say over and over again what i REALLY think of all of you reading this right now!!! i'd say it to each and every one of you personally if i could!



watching the vid again just reminds me how amazing we all are as a community. i know most of the time, its all fun and games (until someone loses an eye to a dildo-related accident, that is!)...and we (you, me, and lesbians in general) throw the best parties, and serve the best lesbian beer, and make the coolest lesbian shirts. but i also know (because youve written to me time and time again) that there are girls/women out there who struggle with coming out, or admitting the feelings to themselves, or depression, or losing a friend, or worrying about how the family will react, friends...etc. and i just want to say to those people, that as long as you know me, and have my myspace address (myspace.com/idgogayforangelina) and email address (interludemagazine@yahoo.com), and phone number if you need it, you are NEVER ever alone. thats my promise to you.

ok everyone! i hope you'll leave a comment and let me know what your goals and dreams and everyday hopes are for 2007. for yourself, for the world...all of it!

i hope to be able to meet lots of you this year. thats definitely one of my top priorities. i want to travel like i did when i was younger...and by this time next year have lots of new friends! i want to see some of my old and dear friends that i havent seen in WAY too long. i hope to continue to be optimistic about everything...ummm...it would be nifty if my little tshirt project could blow up. thatd be nice. i hope to watch a good friend take over the music industry, one fan at a time and be right along side her as she does:-) im also crossing my fingers for a video interview with Katharine Mcphee to post on my blog. you know, when she's through sexin' me. cause she spends a LOT of her time sexin' me. busy beaver, she is. mmmm...

aaaand, yes, i hope to meet a nice young lady who will be *the one*. british or not! ;-) but if she's not british, i hope she can fake an accent.

alright, i'll lift myself off of santa's lap now and say HAPPY 2007 to everyone! i hope its your best year yet, and that youre safe, healthy, hot, available to me, and can fake a british accent. and *here's* to more hot naked pictures of yourself sent to me in the new year!

-arlan

this is why i love Katharine Mcphee...

god, i didnt think it was possible to want her more...but yeah...


thats her explination of this horrible...horrible...thing...that happened on american idol:

you are a dirty lesbian!

lol...



this is what would happen the first day i met Katharine Mcphee in *opposite world* if i weren't already married to her.