Blog Archive

Friday, July 13, 2007

what's the square root of bi?

over the past couple of years working on my site, i've seen some bisexual hatin' goin on. and i just dont get it! how can lesbians--women who are in a minority and judged because of their sexual orientation--judge other people...due to their sexual...orientation? it doesn't make a lot of sense, now does it?

i mean obviously there's more support than there is hating. but listen to mary j when she says, "dont need no hateration..." then she talks about hollerations and making hamburgers and leaving patties at the front door, or somethin.

i came across this vlog today. the chick is 35 and lives in new york, but i hear lots of southern in 'er. which i LOVE, in case you didnt know. 5th to british, australian, french, spanish...of course. but thats not the point. i liked what she had to say a lot...i like how she expresses herself. open your eyes, open your ears, and open your hearts...well, while youre at it, open your legs and your shirt...and listen to one woman's take on!

"Answering some Qs. Correction to one of the Qs.. I miscounted my female encounters. Five, not six. Excuse me if this isn't the best video I've ever done, but I'm high on Nyquil and I feel lousy."

(see her artsy vids by going to

i thought i was done, but im not. ok...i do get how some people can be upset with those people who choose to make out with other chicks just to make some guy all hot and bothered. thats not being "bi" to me. thats being "try."

im talking about the geniune bisexuals here. the ones who have to deal with even more prejudice than your traditional *gay* because they have to explain themselves to EVERYbody. to those of you who were BORN bisexual...just like i was born a raging lesbian, and yo mama was probably born that way too--and when i say "probably" i mean definitely cause we SO made out last night--i say to your truth. oprah really started that. ooh speaking of oprah, i think oprah's bi. i used to think she was just a dyke. but now i think she swings both ways.

oprah does both jay and jane...they make her feel the same...


Michelle said...

I usually find it irritating when people plug their own blogs in comments... but this really is relevant. Being bisexual, I write about this.very.topic you're talking about ALL the time.

Specifically, here:

But the post I'm referencing is this one:

If you've got a moment, I'd say peruse it for a second or two.

Kate said...

K... soo you prolly have no clue who I am... but I read your blog regularly and love it and have commented before under a diff name :P I just wanted to drop a comment and say thank you for posting this. I knew you rocked... aaand now you rock more! I didn't really think it was that big of a thing when I realized/accepted/came out as bi... and it wasn't, but mainly because I was dating a girl for 9 months after. It wasn't until we broke up that my bi-ness became an issue with my friends. I lost quite a few lesbian and straight friends when they realized that being bi didn't mean I stopped being attracted to men as well *shrugs* Oddly enough the most prejudice I have encountered towards bisexuals occurred when I came to grad school. I took a class in sexuality with one of the foremost sex researchers only to find myself subjected to either being ignored altogether and told that my sexual identity didn't exist one second and then blamed for the spread of STDs, HIV/AIDs, cheating, and prostitution among many other offenses. I didn't realize how much negativity and ignorance existed towards bisexuals among lesbians, gay men, straight men and women, and particularly within sex research itself. Its disgusting really... but I've gotten off track of what I wanted to say, which is just... thank you. For acknowledging it. You earned respect points in my book :P

casey said...

First of all, the yo' mama stich is hilarious, outrageous like. When you go into one a them flows I grin an' wanna kiss yo' cheek fo' some reason.
OK the vlogger had many great points, and shes a champ to answer the questions through a nyquil haze. People in general love boxes, and if they cant fit you into one then aaww shit, they gonna vent on someone. we of alternate sexual orientations need to support not hinder others in our circle, be they gay, bisexual, lesbian, we all queer. now them who are "try" they no get loves from this boi.

charmzy said...

love this blog... I am bi.. about fkn time someone explains it for everyone that doesnt 'get it' I HATE being judged for all the girls who claim to be bi but just use it for boys attention.. that is not bi... thats being a ho...

we dont choose this. this is how we are. do you choose to be gay? do you choose to be straight? honestly I think being either of those would be a lot less complicated than being bi.. everyone tries to make you doubt it. Its just insane.

love does not discriminate, why should you?

Michelle said...

I think it's more about having expeirences with bi women that make me frown. Most of the bi women I know and have dated, had been screwing women and having fun with women, all the while wanting to settle down with a man. Shit you not, the two bi girls I dated said that exact same thing to me...and I've heard it said by a few bi friends. This is why I don't date bi women anymore. It's my personal experience with them. I don't discount that they are attracted to both sexes (genders, whatever you like here...)I just don't think we mix well.

(and BI the way, I was bi in college....but I realized being bi didn't hide my lesbianism very I used it as a shield to hide myself. Now I just hide behind my hair.)

Jessica said...

Thanks for that... truly. My experiences of bi women has been just like the comment above mine, but I now know not all bi women and men are like that. There is hope for their acceptance into the fold so to speak.
Again, thank you for posting that.

Chelsea said...

ive read alot about sexuality because i have been confused about my own seuality and what i hear again and again is that there are just different levels of person's sexuality from 1 being very straight to 10 being very gay and people just fall in the middle to different extents either way.

i dont have a problem with bisexual girls i think though that once they're out as bi they automaticaly have a stigma against them mainly because either sex is insecure in the relationship.

that being said as a lesbian as a girl who love other girls and wants to eventually be in a long term monogamous relationship like jessica and michelle said there is a potential for instability with a relationship with a bisexual girl in the sence of if this girl has the ulterior motive o settling down with a guy the entire time.

in the end honesty is the best policy

to thine own self be true... and to others as well ;)

Sam said...

i started writing a really long comment here, but it boils down to two key points, so i'll try to be a little more concise:

1) arlan, thanks so much for your post. it means a lot to this bi reader to have your support.

2) re: the comments above - i take offense at the idea that bisexual women are somehow more likely to leave a relationship than lesbians. people - ALL PEOPLE - have the potential to be insecure, afraid, and seek the easy answers. ALL PEOPLE, regardless of sexual orientation. i was in a 4-year relationship with a man i intended to marry, and it didn't work out. i've now been with my girlfriend for a year, we live together, and i can easily see a future with her. would it be easier for me, from a societal perspective, to be with a man? of course. but would i leave a relationship that sustains me with a woman i really love because it would be a hell of a lot "easier" to be with a man? not in a million years.

you're not dating women of the wrong sexual orientation - you're just dating the wrong women.

Mel said...

I <3 your site. Just thought I would put that out there now cuz you know it'd be on here sooner or later.

I was actually just discussing this topic when you had written this post. I was introduced to someone who happened to be wearing the same PRIDE 07 bracelet that I was sporting that night. I said, "Oh, you were there?" and he said, "OH YEAH! I'M GAY! HEY, YOU'RE A LESBIAN!" to which I replied, "Well, I'm bi." He promptly countered that with, "...YOU'RE A LESBIAN!"

It actually got to me because, I mean, first of all, who does that? If I were someone who was still making up her mind on religion and I said, "well, I'm not sure" and someone TOLD ME "You are Christian," or "You are atheist," I would be appalled. Secondly, I thought we did away with the one-drop rule-- just because I'm in a "lesbian relationship" currently doesn't make me a lesbian for life. I'm never offended by being called a lesbian btw-- I'm only offended by the lack of regard for my feelings and the fact that people would much rather not try to understand my orientation, and instead, dismiss it.(Being both Chinese and a Filipina)It would be like if someone insisted I was only Chinese. It isn't offensive, it's just not true. Despite it all, I do understand that there are stereotypes for a reason and that sometimes people claim to "grow out of it" and what not. Transition or no (to coming out or staying in), respect and acknowledgment of another person's proclaimed sexuality should be a given. And there's my rant that's actually not what anyone's discussing, and is just a tangent.

Also, as a bi girl in love with another bi girl... sure, I have my fears that one day she'll realize that this isn't the life she wants (or worse, the life she needs), but when she kisses me, I know. And when we're at the grocery store talking about pads and how much it sucks that we have coordinated our monthly visitor somehow, I know. When we meet really attractive guys who hit on her and she doesn't even notice because she's too busy complimenting me on how I look in my jeans and t-shirt, I know. And when she trusts me to be what she'd need from a man and then some because this lifestyle is hard, I know. We both gave up the "security" of a straight relationship to be with one another and combined with lots of laughs, kisses, and shirtless cuddling, that's proof enough for me.

"you're not dating women of the wrong sexual orientation - you're just dating the wrong women."
Very well-said, Sam.

Damn, that was long. Thanks for reading it, if you did. Needed to write that somewhere. =)

arlan said...

i looove the discussion this has started here...keep it reading every word, like i do with every comment on my blog. thanks guys...


the second michelle :) said...

I'm not saying that I dated the wrong women, I'm saying that's why I can't seem to be in a relationship with a bi woman. That's my own desire and need...that's my own experience. And you know what? It's not about being bi really, it's about being scared. And so many of us are scared to lead a life that isn't readily acceptable, but I'm not down for someone who says they are bi but really just want to have sex with women until they find the right guy. Again, that was my stuff, not saying all bi women do it. It's just made me a little gun shy. This is also the reason I probably won't date anyone who has kids already. I want kids of my own some day, but I don't want to date someone who has shared a life with someone else so fully that they have created a life together. It's like part of them isn't really all mine...I have felt that way about most of the bi girls I (me, only me) have encountered.

I'm very much an accepting person, but my own issues are just that, my own issues. I'm sure there may be some bi girl out there that would just love to settle down with a woman...but settling down with a woman is more than leaving the security of a straight relationship, it's accepting the fact that you can be happy with a woman. Does that mean you aren't bi if you are in a long term relationship with a woman, hell I don't know...but it also brings up the strange query about being bi...does it mean you are straight if you are with a man? Because you are leading a straight lifestyle?! So again, does that mean your lifestyle only is reflected in you being in a relationship? No, because I'm gay whether or not I'm getting some from a cute little lezzy...

I don't know where this is going, I guess I'm just defending myself a little. I'm not saying I have dated the wrong orientation, I have dated the wrong women, but again, it's put a bad taste in my mouth to again date a bi girl...

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting this.

There is one thing I have to add... Not all bisexuals are in the middle and have no preference. I am a bisexual woman but I have a stronger attraction to women. I'm single and I date more women then men. I'm not sure if I believe in the 1-10 thing but I know for a fact that I am attracted to both sexes and enjoy relationships with both but I prefer women. I'm not confused about this. I've been snubbed by lesbians for being bisexual and I've been snubbed by bisexuals for having a preference.

BTW: I read all your blogs most more than once! I love you! Will you marry me? lol!

britt said...

i think that the stigma of being bisexual comes from people saying that they are bi before leading into being gay/lesbian. many people see that change, so they assume that bi is only one step closer to being "completely" out. therefore, not everyone trusts it as a true sexual orientation.

personally, i came out to my family as bi for one of two reasons. first, i wasn't sure about everything myself. and second, i thought it would be easier for my parents to handle... they could still hold onto the hope that one day i would marry a man and have the grandchildren that they had always wanted.

also, my last girlfriend is bisexual, and when people would ask about her, i would say that we were still friends, and that she is in love with a guy friend of hers. they would ask, "so she is straight now?" and i would say no, she has been bi the whole time. "but she is in love with a guy, so she is straight?" no, she is bi... and you're an idiot

Anonymous said...

Wow so many comments! I guess I think of myself as bi (which I actualy HATE) I really wish I knew what was happening and cud just be a lesbian or straight but what if im wrong!? and I agree with both sides of this argument. I was with my 1st gf for 6months and wen i went into that relationship i actualy sed to her 'im not gay, im attracted to u and i wnna be with u but this wont last' WOT A DICK, y she dated me I dont know! I guess I was just scraed at that point, I was 18 and pretty freaked out so dont hate me for that! but anyway the point...I dont know if I am straight or gay or bi...i know im attracted to girls but I 'want' to get married to a man and have children and all that jazz. So I call myself bi. Its really hard because I dont want to date a man as in my head its saying 'you shudnt do that ur a lesbian!' and i dnt wnna date a girl because wot if im straight and i leave her for a man...The idea of using someone as what wud be seen as an 'experiment' maskes me sick!
Its really hard. I agree that Love is Love and you should do whatever makes you happy I do think that there are people that are attracted to both sexes and i think its fantastic, knowing who u are, whatever or whoever it is, is such a powerful thing! Fully jelous...
OMG I totaly babbled and now sound patheitic...ughhh joy anyway as u can tell my mind is workin...i never sed well, just workn

Kate said...

In response to the second michelle,

Thats the beauty of bisexual invisibility. Thats the reason practically no research (and certainly no funding for research/services) is being done on bisexuality. Hell, there isn't even an agreed upon definition for it!

Personally, I don't believe that anyone should have to forfeit part of their identity in order to be in a relationship. However, I am a very monogamous and committed person. Sooo inevitably some day I'm going to have to make that decision. Though, to be quite honest, its not really a decision. You can't help the people you love. I will fall in love with someone, regardless of gender, and they will become my whole world. That will not make me any less bi. Rather, it will make people perceive me as either straight or lesbian, as you have just articulated. I will still be sexually attracted to both men and women... I will still probably watch straight porn... and gay porn... and lesbian porn :P However, I will only be emotionally attracted and committed to one person. If anything, I think that the fact that their gender doesn't matter to me makes that commitment even more bisexual! :D

Anonymous said...

thanks for writing about this arlan. I am glad you are a lesbian that isn't against bisexuals. I have thought the exact same thing, "how can lesbian/gay people be against bisexuals when they know what it's like to have people against them for their identity". I myself don't label myself, but if I had to, I would be labeled bisexual. I've been in a serious relationship with a lesbian woman for two and a half years and things are great. She loves me but she doesn't really like the idea of bisexuals though... I think her view is all wrong. I try and explain to her that i'm bi but I love her im not gonna cheat on her, i'm attracted to her, and i love HER. I think she understands it more now. But she has some stuff against bi's like the person said earlier in their comment, about how she thinks they bring in the diseases, etc... blah. Anyway, recently my girlfriend discovered that she doesn't have a full uturous,, or something, and she has a bit of a grown testicle inside her (it sounds kinda strange, but it's not, you can't see the testicle or anything but it's inside her..) she also gets quite a lot of facial hair, and has more testosterone than the averege woman, but she's a WOMAN.. but her body sorta didn't go to one gender...anyway so i feel like i can be bisexual with her and have the woman and man aspects which is great.

BAHAHAHAHAHAH i just re read what i wrote and it sounds so fucked up. ohhh well.

Mel said...

Haha to the above anonymous: That last part was awesome. It took me by surprise, I was like, really? we're going there? -- in any case, I think every relationship is unique and kudos to you who can make it work. =)

And to Michelle and the Second one as well =) : I wasn't trying to attack your position on it-- I just liked that line as a quote.
I don't think defense was even necessary-- there are PLENTY of KINDS of people that I may not ever even consider dating before I get to know them more. Saying you would find it hard dating a bisexual is close to saying you think it'd be hard to date someone who's career involved a lot of traveling or something. Every relationship has its obstacles, but you know... I would just make sure I wasn't missin' out. ;)

Anonymous said...

You know how most bi girls are seen as chicks who like to sleep with chicks on the side but truly prefer men? I'm sort of the opposite. While I do like dudes, I prefer women. And I know it's wrong but I'd prefer to marry a dude rather than a chick. However, I have a really frickin hard time being genuinely attracted to men so chances are I'll end up with a woman. Truthfully, I just think it would be easier for everyone to ultimately end up with a guy.

Second, although I'm bi, I would prefer to be in a relationship with a lesbian rather than another bi chick. I know it's wrong but for some reason I have trust issues with other bi girls.

Anonymous said...

this is the anonymous commenter in the lesbian relationship with the woman who has sort of a testicle but not really

hey thanks mel for the support, i thought i was gonna get some wierd comments after i posted that lol.

and to the annonymous above me, I am the same way, I only want to date lesbian not bi chicks.. i don't feel the same amount of passion,love,etc from a bi chick..well i haven't yet i may be wrong.. but i am happy with my lezzie

alyssa said...

okay, i just want to say before i get into my rant that i am in no way trying to get anyone's knickers in a bunch.

that being said, i would like to introduce myself as a "concerned bisexual citizen". why am i concerned, you ask? let me explain:
one of my best friends, victoria, is a lesbian, and even she claims that "bisexual doesn't exist". however, she has dated several bisexual girls, most of whom have turned around and cheated on her with guys (specifically, her ex O.o [and when i say "her ex", i mean before she realized she was not only bi; she was a lesbian]). from that experience and from reading all the comments left on this particular blog, i have come to the conclusion that lesbians have no problem with dating genuine bisexual girls.. UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN SCORNED BY ONE. [or two, or three, etc., even if the ones they dated weren't truly genuine.]
but honestly, i believe that those who have been wronged by a bisexual chose the wrong bisexual to date. in all honesty, there are probably more "bisexuals" that just say they're bisexual to get a 'rise' out of their girl- or boyfriend than there are true, honest-to-House (m.d. ...holy leiderhosen, i'm such a nerd x.x) bisexuals. and those, sadly, are not only the ones that people choose to date, but also the ones that give us a bad name. don't be turned off on bis because you've been wronged by someone who claims that they are bi.. because you haven't met all of them. you may not have even met a genuine one yet
[[in which case, i would be absolutely be happy to help out ;D]]
i guess what i'm saying is:
don't reject dating bisexual girls specifically because they're bisexual [unless they're the hoebags who claim to be then go and screw around with your ex boyfriend]. it hurts us more than you know... because i've wanted to date victoria for a while now and she claims she doesn't date bisexuals OR friends. [[which is a crock but that's okay, i guess....]]

[[dear FIDDLESTICKS, that was long]] n.n

Anonymous said...

It is great to see there are so many genuine bi women like myself. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and he don't care that I am bi he actually supports it. I was supposedly seeing someone who is lesbian but then has disappeared on me. I haven't seen nor heard from her in a month. Then i find out that she was playing me as well as a couple of other people and some of them being other lesbians. I jsut don't understand why poeple can not jsut accept a person for who she is and be with her or not. This is the second time I have been burned by a lesbian but I will keep out there looking for a woman wether she is bi or lesbian. I am jsut tired of all these bi woman wanting 3 somes that for me a is major turn off.

Thank you again arla I think what you do here is really great.