Maybe I Already Wrote For the Show and Didn't Realize It?

Today I have to officially give my blessings to the 5th season of The L Word. They say you can't please all the people all the time...but I do believe this season, the writers have decided to challenge that. Ourchart.com's blog editor Lisa posted this new teaser vid for the new season.

If any of you find reason for this not to be a great fuckin' idea, speak now, or forever hold your peace:


I couldn't have said it better!

Back in May I wrote an open letter to the writers of the show and posted it on AOL's gay & lesbian website Queersighted. (Haha, remember my innocent days of never capitalizing anything and not making much sense? Well, at least one thing's changed;-) )

Since we're only weeks away from the premiere, I thought I'd repost it in case you missed it, and see if they took any of my advice:

L Word, Season 5 is being filmed right now. this is my open letter sticky note to the writers and producers:

- Bring Dana Back: make dana's ghost a character that talks to alice every single episode. this alone will probably bring back 100,000 paying fans, easy. it can be funny, touching...amazing. DO IT. she can even help oversee the successful return of lara the "soup-shef."

- Bring Carmen Back...and have there be a love triangle between shane, that hot Terminator chick and carmen. and a threesome. you owe it to us after that c*ck-tease with jenny, marina & the french-canadian-"Alias" chick last season.

- stop insulting black people by giving Kit lines like "who dat?" its a sad day when i'm longing for the return of Snoop Dogg to represent us in a better light. you serious?? come on!

- make Helena stop time every 15 minutes during an episode and speak directly to the audience to tell us her thoughts on scenes shes in. hell, have her do it for scenes she's not even in! it can be done. you remember that 80's sitcom where the daughter was half alien and could stop time by pressing her pointer fingers together? easy enough. and it needs to happen, cause rachel shelley is effin' hot and we need more of her. we don't buy that shes become a wimp who can be manipulated by a 100lb chick with an addiction problem. she's helena-effin'-peabody. let her mom come back in the first episode of season 5 and give her money back. shes learned her lesson. i've learned her lesson. we've all learned her lesson. and none of us even had to turn to drugs or hooking to do it.

- have Tasha and Alice have a sex scene in every episode. its seriously like watching candy being made. hot alice and tasha taffy. do this, and i'll always be first in line at the L word county fair. keep tasha in the states or fly alice to the middle east. i don't give a frick. alice wearing a little army helmet cocked to one side would be super cute/hot. oh, and while you're at it, bring that vampire back and have her sit in a corner naked while theydo it, telling them what moves to make next. what? dont you judge me. im trying to help YOU here.

- umm, and also, Bring Back Dylan. you crazy bitches. what have you done with her?? sex scene with her and Helena at the beach house in season 3 = hottest f**king thing you've ever shown us. don't stop 'til we get enough. ok??

- have Alice, Bette and Shane go steal sh*t more often. its just good times.

- give Alice the tv talk show leisha hailey asked for on ourchart.com. its a GOOD IDEA. a brilliant idea. make. it. happen.

- let me be security on said talk show. i don't want any lines. i can be like *steve* on jerry springer. i just wanna stare at leisha. and helena. i already wear a black shirt and jeans every day. i'll just have to bulk up. and i will, if you, what? yes: make. it. happen. oh, and while you're fulfilling fantasies, L Word gods, have my wife kat mcphee join on us on the show. cause um...yeah.

- bring singer/activist/Daniela Sea's real-life girlfriend Bitch on as a character that Max falls for. duh. and for the love of crispy creme, puh-leeease have her do the opening theme song. or Tegan & Sara. or Terra Naomi. or Sleater Kinney's ghost. or ANYONE. love ya for 3 seasons, Betty, but we want somethin' new. for shure.

-Bette and Tina = duh. hard. we love marlee matlin though, so have there be some seriously tense storyline here with the 3 of them. do you see my theme here? THREESOMES and hardcore sex. i don't think thats asking for too much. we've given you 4 good years and i've personally given up many a bowling night to watch your lesbian debauchery. *sigh* i'm so gay.

- when thousands of fans give you feedback, acquiesce to their demands. they're PAYING for Showtime. they have the right to protest/commend and have their opinions heard. don't overlook them cause, although i've found lesbians to be the most loyal people on this earth, it's a mistake to take them to for granted. they're also the most perceptive.

- in one episode of season 5, have Alice walk in wearing one of my "Shane is my HOMOgirl" t-shirts. its something her character would wear and it would be hilarious. just work it out.

- at the end of each episode, have Rachel Shelley read the credits as they go by. i'm serious. make it like she's at home watchin' Tivo and have her pause and rewind if she misses a name. i want every single name, title, comma and period read aloud by Rachel Shelley. and when you get to the logo at the end, have her "bum bum bum" the exit song. when there's a black screen, have her read from a cereal box. Lucky Charms or Cheerios will do. when she's done with that and we're 10 minutes into the next show, have her image pop up and tap dance, while saying "Mary Poppins" in a cockney accent. i dont CARE what she says or does. just make her talk and be on screen more. on the dvd, have her appear in scenes she was not originally in, and mouth other people's lines awkwardly in the background. as long as her lips are moving and her face is shinin'.

- come closer to the screen, Ilene. no, closer. let me holla at you fo' a minute. look here, uh: i love you. i think you're a bad-ass chick n' al' lat, and check it, it has to be incredibly stressful trying to please hundreds of thousands of gay and straight women every week. hell, i can't even please one all of the time. but er, uh, hear me now (*wizard of oz echo...echo...echo*): SEX SCENES...in EVERY EPISODE. like...season 1 & 2 had. member that? HOT. SEX. SCENES. that last more than 30 seconds. i'm going to go ahead and give you a time minimum here just to make this easier: at least 3 minutes each. i don't care what you have to do. bump the lead characters' salaries? i don't mind. have meeting after meeting with Showtime? hey, i'll even pour the coffee. hire me to direct the sex scenes and put my mouth where my mouth is? i'll go to Best Buy and pick up a dv camera right now. whatever you have to do, make it happen. i'll say it again: we are PAYING for Showtime to watch a show for 13 weeks. we love the strong story lines you have about women's rights, gay pride, max's penis...but ultimately, we want to walk away from each episode TURNED ON and ready to f*ck our girlfriends. and if we don't have girlfriends, we wanna leave each episode at least rubbing the nipples of a stranger at the local gay bar that we've driven to and illegally parked near to watch the episode. cause even if we're one of the few that isn't paying for Showtime, you best believe we're buying your merch, we're making fan vids that ultimately bring you paying customers, and we're dreaming of you and Shane every night. bottom line: that super cool house you live in that we've now seen on the ourchart videos (that keeps us awake at night), we bought that sh*t. so uh, give us...what we want.

more power to you for being a power-lesbian. baby, don't stop 'til YOU get enough. make that money and get plenty of ass. but still, give us...what we want.


ahem.

thank you.

-arlan
the jackhammer...crenshaw...jankins...williams...hudson. the 1st.
*throws mic on the floor of the stage and walks off slowly*

That's What She Said.

A large percentage of the messages/questions I get from you lovely ladies has to do with sex. From the virgin who wants to know what "that little button" is, to the pro (ho?) who wants to know how she can get things goin' again in the bedroom with her girlfriend of 10 years.

Well my friends, I'm glad you asked. Mostly because it gives me a great excuse to use the word "sexpert." I frickin' LOVE that word! I try to use it on a daily basis, but I'm mostly met with judgmental stares. I know for a lot of you, the information I'm going to provide will be elementary, my dear Watson. But keep in mind that there will be lots of people who will get some knowledge from this...and then hopefully will just GET SOME. Ya heard?

Since I'm no sexpert (hee), I'm going to direct you to another site that can give you the technical answers. I can only offer you stick figure drawings or a sock puppet show, which I will do upon request.


YOUR FIRST TIME:
ARLAN SAYS: ...Should be with someone other than your Kelly Clarkson poster and a glove.

SEXPERT SAYS: "There’s a lot wrapped up in your first time lesbian sexual experience. Whether it’s your first time having sex at all, or your first time having sex with another woman, being nervous is normal. There’s so much cultural hype about “your first time” and “losing your virginity.” One thing is true, you never do forget your first time. Here’s some tips to get you through your first time lesbian sexual experience.

1. Get to know your own body. Before you can even think about turning someone else on, it’s good to know what excites you. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation. Spend some time one-on-one with yourself. As you touch yourself and..."(click here to read the rest!)


HOW TO STRAP ON THE OLD STRAP-ON:
ARLAN SAYS: Anyone who's ever gone indoor rock climbing and been around a strap-on harness knows why I giggle each time.


SEXPERT SAYS: "Harnesses come in two basic flavors..."(click here to read the rest!)


FISTING:
ARLAN SAYS: It's not just for me and your mom anymore. (sorry! I had to!)


(click here to read what the sexpert has to say about fisting!)


ORAL SEX:
ARLAN SAYS: Yes please.


SEXPERT SAYS: "Spend some time and get your lover excited before making the plunge. Tease her whole body before you head south. When having oral sex with your lover, it's not all about..."(click here to read the rest!)


TRIBADISM:
ARLAN SAYS: The word always makes me think of some sort of ritual around an old Indian burial ground. Thank *clit* it's about something completely different!


(click here to read what the sexpert says about tribadism!)


THE CURE FOR LESBIAN BED DEATH:

ARLAN SAYS: Well I would say being married to Katharine Mcphee fixes all chances of that happening. But if you're not as lucky as I am, might I suggest threesomes, leftover Halloween costumes and porn? No? Hmmm...ok well see what the sexpert had to say:

SEXPERT SAYS: "I don’t think lesbians are the only ones who suffer from “bed death.” But lesbians sure do have a reputation for losing the libido after a few years together. Does your relationship have to end up in bed death? No! Not if you don’t want it to. But like most things, sustaining a healthy sexual relationship takes work. Here are some tips for keeping sex in your lesbian relationship...
(click here to read the rest!)

I look forward to the comments in this post. Bring em on!

Top 10 Reasons to see "Itty Bitty Titty Committee"

You might remember a few weeks ago, I created my definitive list of my top 10 lesbian movies of all time. I'm going to break a few of your hearts by knocking one of the bottom 3 off to make room (not sure which number) for "Itty Bitty Titty Committee." I loved it so much that I'm going to see it again. I'll be at the 5 o'clock showing in West Hollywood tomorrow (thursday). If you see me, please say hi!

You've read the reviews, you've seen the trailer, and you've mumbled the words "bitty titty" to yourself countless times. But if you haven't seen the movie yet, let me tell you why you're going to love it:

10. There's a chick named "Meat."

9. Daniela Sea...without a soul patch.
Her character Calvin likes to blow shit up. Daniela has never looked hotter. There's no soul patch. Do I need to spell it out for you? Why are you still sitting there?? GO GET A TICKET!

8. It has the word "titty" in the title. When I said the name at the box office to get my ticket, I giggled. You'll get to giggle too!

7. It's not what you think. I know how you lesbians love your mystery...and neckties. You'll get a little bit of both in this movie.

6. Melanie Lynskey and Leslie Grossman. Melanie's only in it for like...2 minutes. But anything she or Leslie are in is instantly made better by their presence. (*cough*Twoandahalfmen*cough*WhatILikeAboutYou*cough) And is it just me or shouldn't Melanie L. have played Karen Walker's younger sister on Will & Grace? Just a little food for thought, bitches.

5. Melanie Diaz' lips. Looking through her IMDB profile, it's pretty clear that Melanie's career is about to blow the eff up. She's going to be sharing the screen with Bruce Willis, Jack Black and is in the new Jennifer Lopez joint (yeah, cause JLo's the new Spike Lee?), but POWER UP grabbed her and her lips just in time. Now if only she'd let me grab her and her lips.

4. Carly Pope's...everything. You loved her in "Popular." You sexed her 8x10 glossy when she started appearing in "Dirt." After seeing her in this, you will simply forget who Neve Campbell is. For serious.

3. It's a little sexier than Golden Girls but not as sexy as Designing Women. It's informative and there's no WAY you will walk out of the theater (or the theater's bathroom) without learning something and feeling empowered. But any time it finds itself getting too preachy, it shakes you out of the statistics' lernin' with some naked tits, or a hilarious somethingorother, or the promise of seeing Carly Pope do a chick. Or beat up a chick. Either one is hot. Carly Pope for lesbian president!

2. Everyone in the film is hot. There's dyke, boi, femme, granola, uh...I don't know all the categories. Cause my type is *hot.* But there's something for everyone in this film. They did forget the black character though. So if the filmmakers are reading this, why don't you consider filming a few scenes with me as the narrator or something. I could pop up at the right-hand bottom part of the screen every once in a while and explain to the audience what's happening. And you could have the words "What's Hapnin'" written in 70s ghetto spray paint funk font right below me. (If you say "right below me" fast, it sounds like "right blow me.") For example, I could point at the screen above me and say "Right now, those two hot chicks are totally doin' it...and this is Bikini Kill. And right here, that's a skateboard. That's a boob. That's another boob. That's Clea Duvall for 5.6 seconds...." Thats probably the point you'd lose me cause I'd be running off screen to find more Clea Duvall. *sigh*

1. Three words: Montaged...lesbian...sex.

Here's a brand new video of the premiere in L.A. last Monday. I've totally met that British chick before. This town is SOOO small...hmmm:


If you are in L.A., GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Seriously you will be kicking yourself if you miss it. Do it for you. Do it for the cause. Do it for the thousands of chicks in other cities around the world who envy you. Do it cause it's a great place to pick up chicks. High five!

Laemmle's Sunset 5
8000 Sunset Blvd.
NOW through October 11, 2007
DAILY 12:45 3pm, 5:20pm, 7:40pm, 10pm

Laemmle's Pasadena One Colorado
Daily at 1:00, 3:10, 5:25, 7:40 & 10:00.
October 5th - Oct. 11th 2007

Tickets http://laemmle.com/viewmovie.php?mid=3149

calling those of you who are 17 and under...

alrighty im going to try to do this as delicately as possible. today i received the following message from a 17 year old:

"My girlfriend and i have been with each other for quite some time now.
=] [= and uhm...all we can seem to think about is sex...uhm uhm uhm...
How do we approach it? All we really get as far as is hardcore kisses and nibblez...
help pwease?"

since this lovely lady is under 18, i felt that i should not touch this question with a ten foot pole. but i still wanted to help her. sooo...i told her i would open the suggestion *box* to my awesome readers.

if you are 17 and UNDER (seriously...) and have any help to provide for X, send me a message at myspace.com/idgogayforangelina saying that you wanna help and JUST provide your myspace url. i will then pass it on to X and if she wants to get in touch with you, she will.

thank you in advance. back to the Batcave!

lesbian sexual pleasure

Yeah I mean I can't get much clearer than that with a post title, can I?

Found this video tonight. I swear, the later I search for things online, the more interesting my finds get. This for instance is eye-opening. I normally wouldn't want anything to do with something that was done by some dudes named "Masters" and "Johnson," but uh...check it:


Have an interesting read by clicking here to see "Masters & Johnson on Homosexuality." Some highlights include:

-"In lesbian lovemaking. which many sex researchers believe can teach heterosexual males a thing or two about how to approach women, committed couples devote an "extraordinary" amount of time to sexual play. For example, stimulation of the breasts, usually begun by heterosexual men within 30 seconds of sexual activity, begins much later among lesbians."

Yes...indeed.

-"Perhaps the most intriguing finding is not about homosexuals, but about heterosexuals. As Masters and Johnson tell it, heterosexuals are generally bumblers in their lovemaking: they hurry sex, misread signals, and communicate poorly. Men usually assume, wrongly, that lubrication of the vagina means that the woman is ready for intercourse."

Preach on...preach on...

There's lots more on that link above. If you've got a girl, go touch her face a lot and look into her eyes...then get all up on her junk and think of me here with my popcorn and my crystal light packets. What I'm sayin is, if you've got some, appreciate that shiz, ya heard? If it's been a while, make today the day to end the lesbian bed death thats creeped up on you. Strawberries and ice cubes are not just for grocery store aisles, alright?

I'll even let you borrow my Maxwell CD...just ask!

My favorite lesbian movies...

The number one question I get asked by people on an almost daily basis is "can you recommend some good lesbian movies?" The second most asked question is, "How do lesbians do it?" This post is designed to help answer both questions at the same time.

I've been gay for a good while now...and over the years have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, when it comes to lesbian film. Grab your girl (or if you're alone, grab your boobs), pop some popcorn, and get started!

After the Top 10, keep reading for the rest of my list!!

(click on any of the titles and/or cover pictures to go to a site to purchase)

1. Boys Don't Cry



Hilary Swank's performance in this changed my life and will probably change yours. Period.

2. When Night is Falling



Beautifully filmed, sensual and subtle performances by the lead actresses. Accents, hot chicks, hot sex scenes, and a well-written story. This is one of the few lesbian movies that got it *right*.

3. Gia



Angelina Jolie went to hell and back while filming this movie, and it shows. One of the best performances by any actor in any movie that I've ever seen. In my opinion, only Hillary Swank in my #1 pick has done a better job in a mostly lesbian-themed movie.

4. Lost & Delirious



Piper Perabo playing "butch" right after "Coyote Ugly" came out? Very brave...very hot...and most importantly, very well-acted! And Jessica Pare' reminds me of Liv Tyler in all her "Empire Records" glory.

5. Kissing Jessica Stein



This one wins my favorite *writing in a lezzy movie* award. It's so smart, and honest and real...funny...I could watch it once a week for the rest of my life.

6. But I'm a Cheerleader



Clea Duvall. That black button-up shirt. That amazing love scene that came out of nowhere. Clea Duvall. 'Nuff said.

7. Fingersmith



Some days I put this at No. 1 simply because of the hotness that is the British lesbian. Look at that video again. I've seen the movie about 5 times, and I'm still a little breathless when I watch that. Seriously. What?? *whew*

8. Aimee & Jaguar



Beautiful and heartbreaking. And you get to bone up on your reading all at the same time. Educational and fun. Just like boobs.

9. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love



Aw...Laurel as a baby dyke. Seriously could not be more adorable. When the movie is good, it's REALLY good.

10. Loving Annabelle



This one's a new addition to my list since it came out just last year. But it's good times. Definitely worth a view or two.

Once you've gone through this list, here are some more favorites to get you through many girl's nights in:-) You can buy most of these titles at Wolfe Video, or rent them at Blockbuster, Netflix, Hollywood video, or your local place...

Foxfire, Better Than Chocolate, It's in the Water, Imagine Me & You, Saving Face, Therese & Isabelle, Floored by Love, If Walls Could Talk 2, D.E.B.S., Tipping the Velvet, Bound, High Art, The Truth About Jane, Fire, Show Me Love, All Over Me, Go Fish, The Sex Monster, Wild Things, Claire of the Moon, Sister My Sister, Chasing Amy.

My 1st Ourchart.com post - Kama Sutra for Dummies

**Click here to read my first post on Ourchart.com's The Hookup!!


Kama Sutra, sex positions

star milk...

So I'm checking out Wilson and Lou's "The Bastard Cast" blog today and I come across this great post about lesbian sex.

Thanks to those guys for finding it and sharing it with the world a month ago. Next time, things like this must find their way into my inBOX *immediately*!

If you have 25 minutes to spare, complete privacy and 18 or more years under your belt, you may click --> RIGHT HERE<-- for what a panel of lesbians has deemed *real lesbian sex!* woohoo! hot, hot, HOT!

___________________________________________________________________

More Authentic Lesbian Erotica

this sums up what i've been trying to achieve for forEVER:

"So my girlfriend and I just had really great sex and then we thought of you. We figured that you would appreciate a message from us letting you know that. We love your work and read your blog everyday and just thought you should know that we love you too. :)"

-from a reader...

__________

oh my dear reader, you had me at "hello."

now the rest of you, get to it!

i am NOT addicted to porn...jeez!

i can quit any time. and i dont watch it all the time. im also fascinated by the business of porn. thats why i like this site in particular (along with another one, but we'll talk about that later)...its called Cyber-Dykes...i told you guys about it before.

i was reading their FAQ's--yes i read too!--and i really liked their answers to these questions:


1. Who are the Cyber-Dykes? Are there really women behind this?

"Probably the first thing most people ask: Yes, indeed there are! We are a group of queer women of every size, shape, persuasion, tastes, and inclination who came together out of our love for sex, sexual expression, getting off, and just plain fun."

2. Why are you doing this?

"Not for the money. No one involved with this network makes more than a part-time job at Starbucks pays; most make less. We are doing this because we think it's important to show what porn can be! When we started, the web was full of mass-produced generic porn that didn't interest or excite us � and it still is! So basically we're out to redeem porn! We want to let erotica and porn consumers know that porn doesn't have to be contrived or ugly or insulting to one's intelligence; that explicit work can be beautiful and thought provoking. We want to make adult entertainment that is authentic, spontaneous, and that has artistic merit. it's also fun and it gets us laid a lot! {wink!}"

to go to the site, click on the pic...

porn.

two women.

having sex.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
the vid's explicit so don't watch this ANYWHERE at ANYTIME you normally wouldn't watch porn. don't watch it if you don't like porn. don't watch if you don't like watching naked people have naked sex on your computer screen. they're probably straight. i dont care. cause the sex they're having isn't. its naked. its sex. and its porn. don't watch if you don't want to. i wanted to, so i did. like...20 times. but you might not want to. so don't. :-) don't say i didnt warn you.

i dont know what this is from...but it's pretty gay and so its my duty to bring it to you. so here ya go:

18+ only...


click here. <---



watch. discuss. rinse. repeat.



(thanks to this chick for sending this in.)

p.s. i know even after all the warnings and disclaimers, i'll still get some crazy messages about jesus and sinning and fingernail length. dont let that be YOU.

its raining sin...

someone should tell them that they're being filmed:



so lets talk about shower sex. hot, wet, lesbian-themed shower sex. shower shaggin' with one, two...three girls...whatevs. tell me about the last time you got some lovin' in the shower. even if you were alone...you know i wanna hear about it. if you're shy, that's what the "anonymous" option is for!

let us all imagine some shower sex...ooohm.....

play girl

i saw this movie about a year ago. it was pretty good...there are lesbians in it, so thats a good start. and if i remember correctly, there was a pretty steamy sex scene in it. which is why we all really rent lezzy movies, no matter what we say.


("Girl Play")

p.s. i think Green's gayer.

the gayest show about pregnancy ABC has ever produced...

if you watch General Hospital on a daily basis like i do, then you've probably been bombarded for the past month or so with commercials about the new ABC show "Notes from the Underbelly." im usually not a fan of lite comedy targeted at early 30somethings on...well...ABC (cept for maybe "Desperate Housewives") but since its starring the amazing Jennifer Westfeldt, i knew i had to give it a chance.

and...survey says? well its pretty damned funny, even if youre not straight, 30something, or middle class:

(at 2:06) we see a glimmer of our old Jennifer:-) )

Jennifer of course co-wrote, co-produced and starred in one of the top 5 lezzy movies of all time, "Kissing Jessica Stein." if you havent seen this movie yet, go directly to Blockbuster. do not pass go!


if Paris from Gilmore Girls had an affair with Samantha from Sex in the City, their lovechild would be "Cooper," played by Raechel Harris. she definitely has the shows' best lines. ive loved her since "Fat Actress" (another fucking amazing comedy). you may also recognize her from the Christopher Guest movies.


so yeah, watch the show with me next Wednesday and we'll do each others nails and have a pillow fight afterwards!

i forgot about the bob haircut flashback scene...

y'all remember when the L Word's sex scenes used to be longer than 15 seconds? and remember when Bette and Tina were the show's anchors? and remember when they used to *do it* ALL the freakin' time and it was hot?

yeah...


and remember when you used to put on Shania Twain's "Still the One" and dance around the room holding your pillow close to your bosoms and feeling at one with its heartbeat while your stuffed animals watched on the bed and applauded your love until your mom came into the room and wondered why you were 16 and still talking to your stuffed animals and she switched the music back to Garbage so you wouldnt creep her out as much?

no? just me? k...

my thoughts on the season finale of the L Word Season 4...

WARNING: OBVIOUSLY CONTAINS SPOILERS!! THE POST DOES, AND THE COMMENTS PROBABLY WILL.



ok so check this out: i liked the episode. (green, im sorry....keep readin tho)

in fact, i cant really think of a better episode this season. which isnt saying much at all, but still. see i didnt really like season 2. dana and alice saved it for me. season 3 i didnt like. dana and alice and helena saved it for me.

and by season 4, it was just like...yeah lets just take what we can get. show me some titty. tittie? no...titty?? hmmm...

anyway, i felt more satisfied with this episode than i have for a long time. and i mean in and outside of tv viewing. thats unfortunate for me. but yeah...

shane fucking that one chick (i like to pretend to not know her name cause it pisses that one girl who commented last time off) fucking...that shit was hot. i wouldn't have cared if they'd have shown clips of the Pilsbury Doughboy masturbating to a picture of Aint Jemima between it, it was still HOT.

and the sign caper scene. i dont care if it couldnt have really happened. i dont care if they never showed how Bette got over things and through things and around things. she just magically appeared after alice and shane grunted their way through an obstacle course. i dont care. all i know is that i got to hear alice shriek and that shit was funny.

helena's still hot no matter what she does, but i had hoped they'd show her topless more in this episode.

kit didnt say anything crazy. angus didnt say...anything at 'tall. both things are wonderful.

jenny's hair was cool. i liked that they filmed at the Standard Hotel cause i felt like Paris Hilton for a few minutes knowing id been there before. there is a chick who swims in a giant fish tank in the lobby! its hot.

Tasha's hot. she should *do it* more often.

bette and jodi made me smile.

the beach made me smile.

helena saying "go fuck yourself" made me smile, AND it made me remember the time she said it to me. it was more of a command than a frustrated outburst then though.

here's what the L Worders should do next season:

-dont add any more characters unless its me.

-use my shirts in some scenes

-have sex and nudity in EVERY episode no matter what. that way, even if the writing sucks, we can at least get our money's worth. to make this abundantly clear: when in doubt, pop a tit out. when in fear, show some rear. when in question, show some helena masturbation. i know that doesnt rhyme, but dont worry about that. just show us some chicks DOING each other. (ooh, ooh, ok i could have said, "...show some lady erection.")

-spend less money and time on lighting and make up and wardrobe, and more time on storyline development, and showing us ass.

-give me a role as a lesbian blogger who falls in love with Alice once i hear about her ourchart site. then have me in a threesome with Alice and Helena. and pay me $100,000.

-if you cant arrange any of that, just send me a video of Leisha Hailey and Rachel Shelley saying they'd go gay for me.

-give Kit a gripping storyline like you did in Season 1.

-stop making Jenny so crazy. stop killing dogs and for the love of CHRIST, stop interrupting 3somes with her, marina and that chick from Alias. are you people MAD??

-show...more...sex

i think thats all...i'll add more later if i think of anything...

i'll help you get under it, Katharine. just like last night...

this chick is a goddess for sending me this vid just now...love you like christmas, chocolate and sex.

speaking of christmas, chocolate, sex, and my wife...


and in case you were wondering, we do set up that video camera on a daily basis for other things. you'll probably never get to see the footage though cause its personal. we'll watch sunday's video while we're working each other out on monday, and so on.

you're jealous, i know.

i am thinking dat i am liking everythink that will be happening of this video.

im sitting in a coffeeshop as i write this, and on the speakers, "she works hard for the money" is playing. its quite appropriate for this next clip, i think. cause these chicks are working HARD to make me happy. and hopefully are well paid.



mmm...i couldnt have said it better myself.

i got this video from this "Lesbian Adult Entertainment" youtube profile. there's lots of Viv Thomas stuff that won't get taken down since there's no actual sex happnin'. but i do encourage you all (18+!) to check out www.vivthomas.com if you want the racier stuff.

this lovely video was also on the profile. take this one to school and ask to show it in your Health class.



one day i hope to have a video clip with me sitting next to Katharine Mcphee, and at the bottom of the screen, it says:

"Katharine & Arlan
Lesbians"

;-)

see, i was right! et voila!

hours ago, i said everything is gayer in french...

and then Ruth Selwyn delivers this:



i think i once asked "is there anything Ruth can't do??"

the answer is: no. no theres not.

sex me, ruth. we dont have to get married. just sex me. circles...circles are really good. and don't forget the little people when you're drinking champagne out of models' belly buttons.

to see more of "Lizzy the Lezzy" in English, Spanish, Hebrew and probably soon to be Klingon, go to www.myspace.com/ruthselwyn!

are you into threesomes?

i remember seeing "The Sex Monster" a few years ago on some cable channel and really liking it.

basic premise: there's a married couple. the husband is a hornball and wants to get his wife to agree to having a threesome with another woman. at first she's very shy and apprehensive about it. but when she learns that she likes it...a LOT, she becomes...a sex monster. hence, sie title.

its funny and sexy...good times all around.


ooh. watch the exciting next scene by clicking HERE!

feel free to discuss your thoughts on threesomes *that involve at least two women (preferably 3!) of course!* here...in detail...very slowly...with pictures...and if you're british, french, spanish or um...lets see...we'll go with dutch for today, feel free to call me and leave a message describing in great detail your experiences. ;-) we're here to learn and share, right? like the pilgrams. education...is paramount.