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Monday, September 24, 2007

Dear Us...

I get a few hundred messages/emails per week. I get to read them all, but can't always respond the way I'd like to. I just received this one today and wanted to help. Let's help X out. Please leave a comment if you'd like to answer this reader's question. She'll be reading your answers...


I read your blog every day, and I enjoy it thoroughly. Two days ago, my girlfriend and I broke up and I'm devastated. I was wondering how do you (or your readers) overcome a breakup, especially when you still love your ex. Thanks.

I'm sure this email may come as random, but you come as someone who will help fellow lesbians in need, even if it's through cyberspace. Well, I hope you have a good day ... and thank you for reading this. :)"


Anonymous said...

oh if only i could answer this! me and my gf broke up about a month ago...she said she wasn't ready for that serious of a relationship (we were together over a year-now she's away at school), but we still love each other. it's complicated. very complicated. but recently has gotten really good again (not back together or anywhere near...but it's easier). i didn't think it could get to this point again where i could think/talk about her w/out breaking down...but it has.

Super said...

my gf broke up with me about a month ago and it was rough. for the longest time i couldnt eat/sleep/barely breath, it was ridic.

all i can say is just surround yourself with your friends and family who love you and be there for you

if you need to talk

Kae said...

My girlfriend dumped my sorry ass on Friday. It was shitty. She said she had another one for a while. It's bad, but I'm practically over it now. I just keep myself very positive. The biggest issue for me is finding something/someone to fill the time gap of all the time I would be spending with her had we still been together.

The only thing you can really do is wait it out and hope for the best. Find a good friend to listen to you complain and whine for a while without judging you & you'll get through this shit.

If you'd like to talk sometime you can totally add me to msn and I'd be happy to listen to you whine.

Amy said...

My ex g/f and I have been broken up for 6 months now. It was really hard at first but you have to realize that you broke up for a reason. Try not to move backwards, move on forward towards the future. Keep your friends and family close by because you will need them. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

brooke said...

i also found it really hard when i broke up with my girlfriend, though that was over a year ago now.. and although people never really 'leave' you.. you do after a while learn that all you can really do is move forward and keep postive about things. keep those who you can talk to and complain to by your side.. because its good to sometimes just 'complain' it all out.

Anonymous said...

If only there was a quick way of gettin over ex's. I was with my ex for almost 2yrs, n altho it was me that split up with her, it was so hard to move on n get over her. I agree with what other ppl are sayin. Keepin ur m8s around u does help. There were times wen i went runnin bk to my ex, coz i thought i cudnt go on without her. But it doesnt do ne good. N my m8s helpd me see that. It took me the good part of a yr, n afew 1night stands, to finaly feel that i was over her. Everyone deal's with break ups differently. Just remember theres no time limit to as wen u think u shud be over her. Can take days, mnths, even yrs. Just do ur best to get on with ur life. Coz lifes to short 2be focusin on sumthin that u havent got. Make the most of wot u do have. Altho u may never 4get her, in time it gets easier to deal with the memories. Fallin in love can be the best feelin in the world. It can also be the worst wen it comes to a end. But hearts are made to be broken, n 1day ur find love again. It may not feel like it atm, but u will. Just enjoy bein single again, take time out 2find urself again, n enjoy havin ur m8s around u. Ur happieness is all that counts now, so live ur life to the fullest. If u fancy a chat jus look me up on myspace, talkin about it really does help.
If i dnt hear from u then, all the best =] x

shelly said...

how bizarre to randomly come on a site n c my most recent ex is the post above!lol it's true what she says though. i find that breakup's are easiest to get over by not hiding emotion, if i wanna cry i cry, though only at home, but still it makes me better to get it out. other people are beneficial to getting over someone at times lol sometimes the only reson you miss an ex is you miss having someone there, and if you can find that in someone else, then you don't think about the ex so much. i tend to look at the bad points of a relationship - when you're with someone and until you start to get over them, sometimes you think that everything was perfect - but if they were perfect, then you'd be together, so if you think of it as 'in that relationship, i was happy, but it wasn't perfect... in the perfect relationship, imagine how we'd both feel!' then it makes you a lot more optimistic :) also people say it's worse the longer you were with someone, but i'd say it's worse the less break-ups you've had, after a few you start to see patterns in what makes YOU feel better :) good luck x anyone feel free to msg me for a chat, i don't bite... hard x

Kristyn said...

Ohhh hunny. That sucks a lot. I went through a really tough breakup last February. This summer I finally started to ACTUALLY get over it. I'm still not there completely but it's better.

First thing of advice...DON'T call them all the time. This may seem like a good idea. They may be telling you that they're still your friend and that they want you to call them if you feel you need to. much as you will feel that you need to, it's just a horrible idea. The last thing you need is to be spilling your heart on the floor and crying to the girl you love and lost about the fact that you love and lost her. Trust me. It's easier to just move on from it.

Second: Don't internet stalk her. You may not mean to do it, but Myspace/Facebook/LJ/YouTube stalking your ex is never a good idea. All you're going to see is how wonderful they're doing with they're life and be reminded that you're no longer necessarily involved with the most intimate aspects of it.

Third: Keep yourself busy!! Don't go skipping classes/work to get over your ex. I skipped one day of classes only because I had literally gotten no sleep the night of the breakup. If it is for your health, skipping out is fine. But don't make a habit out of it. It will make you fall behind, lose control of stuff, and make you even MORE depressed. Keep truckin' through. It'll pay off.

Lastly: Surround yourself with people that love you. Your friends will never come through more than when you've just had your heart broken. I guarantee you have at least 5 friends that want to take you out on the town to get you over your ex. Take them up on the offer! It really will do you a lot of good to go out and meet new people. Having a good time is one of the best ways to get over an ex.

Most importantly...don't expect it all to go away right away. Hell, I'm 7 months off of a relationship and I still love my ex. I'll probably always love her. But I know that we're not meant to be together. At least not now. It's kinda the whole butterfly concept. Let it go...if it comes know the drill. Just give yourself time and lots of good experiences to help yourself get over it.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thank you guys for everything you've posted. It really has helped a lot.

It's just weird cause our breakup wasn't like a normal breakup. She broke up with me cause she's not ready for a gay relationship (7 months later!) and really confused. But, I'll get through it.

Again, thank you! :)

madgey said...

my girl broke up with me last week just after our one year anniversary... her timing always did suck.
She went back to her ex and they bought a house together already. Apparently she will always love me (and curiously enough doesnt love her ex-now-current) but decided that we could never be together so that was her only option - distance bleurgh, women humph. There's no easy way to get over it. I've done the crying, I've done the getting angry and now I think I'm just blank. Totally at a loss. And really starting to get confused as to how in hell other womens minds work!

M said...

ah! everything kristyn said is so true.
My ex broke up with me...last year? haa, God that girl strung me along for so long. Cause I would call and she would suggestively say we could get back together...never believe that buisness. Once it's's over. You'll thank yourself later.
1.Don't call her
2.If at all possible do not hang out with her. I know how lesbians clump into groups but hopefully you have friends outside of that group
The object here is to move away so far you forget what you liked so much about her. Not that you should hate her, just not be in love with her.

agh, I hope it all works out!

Anonymous said...

whenever shit gets me down, including breakups, i just try really hard to focus my energy on something productive and healthy. like take a class or just start kicking ass at work and try and get a promotion or something. also, funny crappy movies that are really stupid and have no emotional undertones are the best. i watch old cartoon reruns. its impossible to be sad if youre not thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

My situation is similar to a few others, after a year together, she decided that she couldn't handle being in a gay relationship and went back to her ex (a guy). They're together and she says she loves him, but that she is IN love with me, but that she can't handle being in a gay relationship.

It has been almost 6 months since we broke up and I'm still not over it, but I'm getting better. At first I didn't think I would ever get over her and maybe I won't, but time really does help and I realize it just wasn't meant to be. I'll always love her and I wish her all the best, but I'm ready to move on now.

Just give it some time. It WILL get better.

Anonymous said...

i was with a girl for a year before she decided that she couldnt handle a gay relationship, that was over a year ago and im finally 'over' her. i will always love her, but i know that we cannot be together because she is not comfortable enough with herself to be out all the way. best of luck to you, and remember to keep busy, n dont call her...only time can help :)
if u need someone to talk to....

Kristyn said...

WOW! So, if I knew that THAT was your problem sweetie, well...I wouldn't have changed any of my advice. I would have just empathized with you more.

My ex broke up with me in February because she knew her family would never accept it and that eventually she was going to have to choose between me and her family. So..she just sped up the process and dumped me.

I guess the best EXTRA bit of advice that I can give you because your situation is the same as mine..

you. did. not. do. anything. wrong.

If she wants to break up with you because she can't handle a gay relationship, that's her deal. You're probably pretty kickass and she can't handle the amazingness that is you. Seriously though, don't dwell on stuff that happened in your relationship. Don't sit there and go "well she told me she loved me. Was that a lie? Was I some kind of experiment?" That is the absolute WORST thing that you can do. And hun, you probably weren't an experiment. I know with me and my ex, we NEEDED to be together for the time that we were together. It was a pull that neither of us could ever deny.

Think of it this way. You're the only girl that has gotten her so hot and bothered that she just HAD to have you. I remind myself of that every once in a while and believe helps. :-P

Best of luck, hun.
And, email me if you can't find someone to talk to that isn't involved in the situation.

Anonymous said...

i broke up with my girl about 3 months ago after finding out she had cheated on me again (this was the 3rd time). i was stupid to stay after the first time but lets not get into that. anyway i found myself looking at her myspace page and we still had some of each others things and i used to get her to come and see me. it did me no good. i kept myself busy with work and taking on a part time job as well. find something to do that you love and do it whenever you get a chance or you start to think about it. but dont be afraid to cry or be upset or depressed. those feelings are normal and wont go away right away it will take some time. stay strong and if you need to talk my myspace is

Emeri said...

I agree with everything that's being said. But I might add that it's really important to find something that makes you feel like a beautiful, attractive, talented woman. I do spoken word, and I think I'm pretty good. Finding ways where it's easy to see my own value really helped me through my last break up. And when you're getting over someone, perhaps if you're not with anyone for a longer period- the feeling that you're worthless and have no value can be hard to shake. Surround yourself with people, activities, and things that remind you who you are and how beautiful a person you are.

Much love and strenght to you