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Monday, November 26, 2007

Maybe I Already Wrote For the Show and Didn't Realize It?

Today I have to officially give my blessings to the 5th season of The L Word. They say you can't please all the people all the time...but I do believe this season, the writers have decided to challenge that.'s blog editor Lisa posted this new teaser vid for the new season.

If any of you find reason for this not to be a great fuckin' idea, speak now, or forever hold your peace:

I couldn't have said it better!

Back in May I wrote an open letter to the writers of the show and posted it on AOL's gay & lesbian website Queersighted. (Haha, remember my innocent days of never capitalizing anything and not making much sense? Well, at least one thing's changed;-) )

Since we're only weeks away from the premiere, I thought I'd repost it in case you missed it, and see if they took any of my advice:

L Word, Season 5 is being filmed right now. this is my open letter sticky note to the writers and producers:

- Bring Dana Back: make dana's ghost a character that talks to alice every single episode. this alone will probably bring back 100,000 paying fans, easy. it can be funny, touching...amazing. DO IT. she can even help oversee the successful return of lara the "soup-shef."

- Bring Carmen Back...and have there be a love triangle between shane, that hot Terminator chick and carmen. and a threesome. you owe it to us after that c*ck-tease with jenny, marina & the french-canadian-"Alias" chick last season.

- stop insulting black people by giving Kit lines like "who dat?" its a sad day when i'm longing for the return of Snoop Dogg to represent us in a better light. you serious?? come on!

- make Helena stop time every 15 minutes during an episode and speak directly to the audience to tell us her thoughts on scenes shes in. hell, have her do it for scenes she's not even in! it can be done. you remember that 80's sitcom where the daughter was half alien and could stop time by pressing her pointer fingers together? easy enough. and it needs to happen, cause rachel shelley is effin' hot and we need more of her. we don't buy that shes become a wimp who can be manipulated by a 100lb chick with an addiction problem. she's helena-effin'-peabody. let her mom come back in the first episode of season 5 and give her money back. shes learned her lesson. i've learned her lesson. we've all learned her lesson. and none of us even had to turn to drugs or hooking to do it.

- have Tasha and Alice have a sex scene in every episode. its seriously like watching candy being made. hot alice and tasha taffy. do this, and i'll always be first in line at the L word county fair. keep tasha in the states or fly alice to the middle east. i don't give a frick. alice wearing a little army helmet cocked to one side would be super cute/hot. oh, and while you're at it, bring that vampire back and have her sit in a corner naked while theydo it, telling them what moves to make next. what? dont you judge me. im trying to help YOU here.

- umm, and also, Bring Back Dylan. you crazy bitches. what have you done with her?? sex scene with her and Helena at the beach house in season 3 = hottest f**king thing you've ever shown us. don't stop 'til we get enough. ok??

- have Alice, Bette and Shane go steal sh*t more often. its just good times.

- give Alice the tv talk show leisha hailey asked for on its a GOOD IDEA. a brilliant idea. make. it. happen.

- let me be security on said talk show. i don't want any lines. i can be like *steve* on jerry springer. i just wanna stare at leisha. and helena. i already wear a black shirt and jeans every day. i'll just have to bulk up. and i will, if you, what? yes: make. it. happen. oh, and while you're fulfilling fantasies, L Word gods, have my wife kat mcphee join on us on the show. cause um...yeah.

- bring singer/activist/Daniela Sea's real-life girlfriend Bitch on as a character that Max falls for. duh. and for the love of crispy creme, puh-leeease have her do the opening theme song. or Tegan & Sara. or Terra Naomi. or Sleater Kinney's ghost. or ANYONE. love ya for 3 seasons, Betty, but we want somethin' new. for shure.

-Bette and Tina = duh. hard. we love marlee matlin though, so have there be some seriously tense storyline here with the 3 of them. do you see my theme here? THREESOMES and hardcore sex. i don't think thats asking for too much. we've given you 4 good years and i've personally given up many a bowling night to watch your lesbian debauchery. *sigh* i'm so gay.

- when thousands of fans give you feedback, acquiesce to their demands. they're PAYING for Showtime. they have the right to protest/commend and have their opinions heard. don't overlook them cause, although i've found lesbians to be the most loyal people on this earth, it's a mistake to take them to for granted. they're also the most perceptive.

- in one episode of season 5, have Alice walk in wearing one of my "Shane is my HOMOgirl" t-shirts. its something her character would wear and it would be hilarious. just work it out.

- at the end of each episode, have Rachel Shelley read the credits as they go by. i'm serious. make it like she's at home watchin' Tivo and have her pause and rewind if she misses a name. i want every single name, title, comma and period read aloud by Rachel Shelley. and when you get to the logo at the end, have her "bum bum bum" the exit song. when there's a black screen, have her read from a cereal box. Lucky Charms or Cheerios will do. when she's done with that and we're 10 minutes into the next show, have her image pop up and tap dance, while saying "Mary Poppins" in a cockney accent. i dont CARE what she says or does. just make her talk and be on screen more. on the dvd, have her appear in scenes she was not originally in, and mouth other people's lines awkwardly in the background. as long as her lips are moving and her face is shinin'.

- come closer to the screen, Ilene. no, closer. let me holla at you fo' a minute. look here, uh: i love you. i think you're a bad-ass chick n' al' lat, and check it, it has to be incredibly stressful trying to please hundreds of thousands of gay and straight women every week. hell, i can't even please one all of the time. but er, uh, hear me now (*wizard of oz echo...echo...echo*): SEX EVERY EPISODE. like...season 1 & 2 had. member that? HOT. SEX. SCENES. that last more than 30 seconds. i'm going to go ahead and give you a time minimum here just to make this easier: at least 3 minutes each. i don't care what you have to do. bump the lead characters' salaries? i don't mind. have meeting after meeting with Showtime? hey, i'll even pour the coffee. hire me to direct the sex scenes and put my mouth where my mouth is? i'll go to Best Buy and pick up a dv camera right now. whatever you have to do, make it happen. i'll say it again: we are PAYING for Showtime to watch a show for 13 weeks. we love the strong story lines you have about women's rights, gay pride, max's penis...but ultimately, we want to walk away from each episode TURNED ON and ready to f*ck our girlfriends. and if we don't have girlfriends, we wanna leave each episode at least rubbing the nipples of a stranger at the local gay bar that we've driven to and illegally parked near to watch the episode. cause even if we're one of the few that isn't paying for Showtime, you best believe we're buying your merch, we're making fan vids that ultimately bring you paying customers, and we're dreaming of you and Shane every night. bottom line: that super cool house you live in that we've now seen on the ourchart videos (that keeps us awake at night), we bought that sh*t. so uh, give us...what we want.

more power to you for being a power-lesbian. baby, don't stop 'til YOU get enough. make that money and get plenty of ass. but still, give us...what we want.


thank you.

the jackhammer...crenshaw...jankins...williams...hudson. the 1st.
*throws mic on the floor of the stage and walks off slowly*


winter said...


Gena said...

Wow that sh*t was utterly hilarious! Rachel Shelley reading the credits...amazing. Showtime needs Arlen writing for them :)
much love!

Anonymous said...

HA! Hmmm I'm sensing that you think Rachel Shelley is hot;) Not that I can argue. Some very good ideas here and while you're at it maybe you can throw in PUT BETTER SPECIAL FEATURES ON THE DVDS b/c that's pretty much what we buy them for! I was seriously set to buy Season 4( I have 1 &2 and am boycotting Season 3 for obvious reasons)...and do you know what special features it had? Well put it this way one of the (only) ones was a TUDORS preview! Really? B/c I didn't have to sit through enough of them last season??? I put that crap right back on the shelf. We are loyal fans, we seriously deserve so much better! Gosh darn it.

Anonymous said...

"I don't like all the drama that goes with them" - Shane says....HA! I couldn't have said it better myself!

cavercheer03 said...

OMFG!!!! Yes please I want MORE!!! *wipes drool from chin*

j. said...

Arlan baby, you rock my world.

I say we start a petition for a recurring guest storyline for you for next season.....who wants to get it going? :)

vaneaquin said...


in one episode of season 5, have Alice walk in wearing one of my "Shane is my HOMOgirl" t-shirts. its something her character would wear and it would be hilarious. just work it out.

I am SO BEHIND YOU ON THAT ONE, like you don't even understand. Hahahahaha.

I haven't even finished the fourth season yet but the fifth season? Oh man, I want to beg my dad to get showtime just so I could watch it. Maybe I can convince my ex-girlfriend to let me over and watch it with her. Oh, wait, she doesn't have cable anymore. DAMNIT.

Wiccaian said...

Arlan...You are the SHIT!!! Except, you should have mentioned them bringing Angelina Jolie in to play a character during this season...with a sex scene...that last at least 5 minutes. Yeah, that would have been good!

Valerie said...


You are amazing. Simply fuckin amazing. I agree with most everything you have written, esp the sex scenes.....must have more sex scenes this season, and I'd love to see Alice wearing your shirt...that would so ROCK!

Anonymous said...

how about guest starring michelle rodriguez!just throw her in anywhere! she'd make a cool friend/partner in crime for shane!oh, i can just see it now, michelle and shane on my tv screne at the same time, going to have to call up my cable company and have them add showtime for just this season.

Molly said...

Also, can we BE DONE WITH JENNY!????? All of my friends hate her character and think she's a total loser-freak skank. Most of us were hoping that she would have gotten eaten by a shark when floating away in the boat. ENOUGH JENNY! And more Alice and Shane. Period.

Anonymous said...

Yes, let's get rid of Jenny. I know the perfect replacement...Rachel Shelly with messed up childhood circus flashbacks.

Anonymous said...

I say give Kit MORE one liners. Thats one of the many reasons I love her.

And I say get rid of Tasha. I don't like how she treats Alice.

moonbeamxappa said...

i concur. drop papi too. she's done.

maggie said...

sleater-kinney's ghost.


Anonymous said...

i say allow Kit to grow and flow i think they made her too ---oh what the word....wishy washy and too domestic homey...she is such a beautiful woman and her full potential was not out there. Also your right about music! I saw this band in concert this weekend called Girl In A Coma with some friends and we all agreed They need to appear in the LWord like Tegan and Sara...P.S. DANA LIVES!!

Anonymous said...

LOL!! ok I think I called the whole wrestling thing, although YOU were supposed to be in the ring Arlan. ;)

J. D. Boon said...

I like Papi and Tasha...lose Jenny though...for real...she gives new meaning to crazy bitch...

malevolent-mimi said...

I have a feeling Jenny is going to be more.... tollerable this season lol. I love the HOMO girl idea. And Im fine with 50 second sex seasons, as long as they stop fucking splitting them right in the middle to show us something serious, and very unhot. I dont like the ideas of everyone getting back together though, that would tame the HELL out of the show. Bette and Tina together again? Sounds awesome, but then they'll just be boring again. Tina needs to be more butchy haha, I think shed me soo much more interesting and SEXY if she became the aggressive......MILF nuff said


Aura said...

my gosh, you make me laugh so much arlan... thank you for that.
well well well, i agree with all your points!! and WTF is that teaserrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

if i had us dollars i'd buy ur t-shirts

Anonymous said...

Some very interesting Ideas. I'll give you that. But I think maybe you are stereo-typing lesbians a bit. Personally I love the show. But they portray lesbians to be whores. Thats my opinion. Its not all about the sex. Thats what porns are for, right? Don't get me wrong, a nice sex scene every now and then is good. But I speak for alot of people when I say, it gets old when in every episode someone is having sex. I like the storyline. I like where its going. And this may be comming out of left feild but, Shane is not a God. A lot of people know the show because of Shane. I think there needs to be less "Shane" advertising.
But like I said, this is just my opinion. And I hope I don't offend anyone. But whats the point in having your own voice and opinions if you don't share them with people of the same intrest?
PS. Love the T-Shirt idea!

glassgirl said...

The show is truly at it's best showcasing the friendships of these characters, which is one of the huge reasons that we all miss Dana. Dana-Alice-Shane hanging out was some of the truest shit they had. They still have it. Alice and Helena have wonderful friend-chemistry. And anytime you can get Bette, Alice and Shane on screen together just gabbing ... well, let's say it's easy on the eyes and it rings true. And usually funny, because my girl Alice brings the funny.

Although I'm not averse to more sex ...

Orla said...

omg love love love it so much i hope she does everyhing you asked because seriously hell yesh!!! xo

Layla said...

Pfft. I'll speak now.

Far be it from me to criticize what is clearly such a groundbreaking show for dykes everywhere, but lesbian oil wrestling?

What further stereotypes are they planning on invoking this season? Will they have a wet t-shirt contest as well? Hell, maybe they'll just drop the charade that this show engages with political issues significantly at all.

Am I the only one who looks at that video and thinks, "Wow, they're really pandering to straight male imaginations this time, aren't they."

I love women. I just wish portrayals of them didn't obnoxiously resemble some dude's wet dream.

arlan said...

layla, i hear ya...but the show's been all adult and serious and shiz for a couple of seasons now. now its time for me to get the oiled up naked boobies ive been craving since season 2.

are you gonna deprive me of my oiled up naked boobies, layla??


Britta said...

I agree with Layla above. In fact, I think she stole some of my wording.

No matter how serious a show is, that doesn't give it grounds to objectify women. I hear women complain endlessly of men looking at them like they are objects, but I think The L Word is perpetrating the same thing.

Layla said...

Oh, Arlan. Far be it from me to deprive you of the prospect of oiled naked boobies.

I know you'll understand when I say it's not about the boobies. It's about the setting the boobies are in-- the context, if you will, which, in this case, seems to be a scene from "Spring Break: Miami", possibly soon-to-be-followed by a whipped-cream bikini contest between Helena and Shane.

I can appreciate the L Word for what it is-- if only it didn't pretend to be revolutionary and groundbreaking while secretly (or not) enforcing stereotypical presentations of lesbianism.

Ripley18 said...

Finally, someone who has articulated the frustration with the deconstruction of Helena's character. Like my dad says, some people have luck more than brains. IC is lucky, she has little talent and what is worse she doesn't understand how to use talented people. She's seems to be such a control freak snuffing the creativity out of the creative. One of the worst indignities Helena's character had to endure was doing bad slapstick. Rachel is funny, but not a slapstick funny. IC needs to get her face out of someone's crotch and learn how to become a writer for TV.