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Monday, February 09, 2009

Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 4 Was..."a Nutloaf."

10. You See, It Was Like Meatloaf, But (Even More) Nuts.

Last night's episode of the L Word was a bit like this performance my wife had to do with Meatloaf a few years ago:

...and my Top 10 list will be much like my wife explaining the incident (minus a few "likes"):

9. "What is going on here tonight??"
I couldn't have said it better, myself, Kit. And even though she said this line while it was obviously daylight outside the Planet, I have to agree with her. There was some highfalutin mischief up in this episode, for sure. You know the episode is going to be off when they have Jenny calling anyone Dylan "insane" a few minutes into it. I swear when Tina said, "She set me up!" I thought to myself, "Ilene set us ALL up."

I'm going to go ahead and praise The El for actually keeping one character true to form this year, though. Let's see. We've had Ivan, Black Shrek, Mangus, Papi, and now Sunset Blvd. Kit has never, ever had a traditional romance on the show. So good for them for not hooking her up with some straight-laced, straight dude during the last season. Sunset Blvd is the least feminine-acting "drag queen" I've ever seen, but it wouldn't be Kit if she found herself a normal ol' queen, now would it?

8. The Vagina Dialogue.
As you know, I enjoy vagina. I think the spelling of it is fantastic. The pronunciation is to die for. And don't get me started on the rest. But last night I found myself saying something with regards to vagina, that I've never said before, and that I never thought I would HAVE to say: "Ewwww!" Yeah. When you gave *my Max* a beard, did I say anything? (yes.) When you got *my Max* pregnant, did I complain? (Yep.) And when you got *my Max* pregnant WITH A BEARD, did I once make a big deal out of it?? (I sure did.) But this whole stretching and massaging and fingering the vagina in Lamaze class was my limit. Watching 20 dudes learn how to oil up some preggar vag is ONLY fun when it's in porn, you guys! Oh and by the way, yes, I did just say "fingering the vagina" and "ewwww!" in the same post. And for that, Ilene, we are no longer (neverhavebeen) friends. This is me blowing you an air kiss and saying goodbye, Bette style.
Oh and also, give me *my Max* back!

7. Tight, Shiny, Rich Jessie Spano.
She's real, real tight. And real, real shiny. And apparently rich? Is that supposed to be the story? I sometimes forget what her deal is on the show cause I'm watching Bette's reflection off of her tight, shiny face and body. Don't get me wrong: I like tight, shiny, rich Jessie Spano. I just wish she'd get down to sexing someone on the show and stop with all this art talk. Jessie Spano, when in doubt, do who what your former classmate Kelly Kapowski would do:

6. Dylan's Hair.
I know a lot of you are crackin' on Dylan's hair this season. "It looks like she's the Flying Nun" I totally some of you have said. "Whoa, Dyl, looks like someone accidentally put their finger(s) in a light socket and not Helena's puss" I totally said out loud several times some might have thought to themselves. But let me explain something to you: This is EXACTLY how your hair is SUPPOSED to look when you've had sex with Helena. In my opinion, Dylan's the only sane person on that show. Tina's had sex with Helena, but is her hair doing anything but being perfectly normal and pretty? NOPE. Everyone else has seen Helena and been in the same room with her, but their hair is fine. Let me show you how your hair is supposed to look after you've made sweet love to Helena:


5. Is There a Disco in Jenny's Closet? (Or is She Just Happy to See Us)

There must be, cause every time she opens that thing, music starts playing. The same can also be said about Shane's legs, but that's a different story. Also, Tasha's hair was on point this episode. The soundtrack, however, was not.

4. My Phone Number is 832-531-5....
One question. Why in the FUCK was I not on the other end of that phone call? Is it cause I have T-Mobile and my reception can sometimes be dodgy? It is cause Rachel Shelley doesn't like to give people on set my phone number, in fear that they might try to get at me behind her back? I can't say. But what I can say is that this Jaime chick is a ridiculously lucky bitch...and I wish her all the luck in the world on this blind date. That's destined to be one hot...wait... I'm getting a message from my producer:
What? Jaime doesn't fall to her knees and thank the sweet Lord above once she realizes what Helena looks like AND that she's british?? Say it isn't so, Rainbow Brite.'

3. Baby Girl Aged 2 Years in 3 Weeks.
Well at least that means they're feeding her. So I won't be calling Child Protective Services this week. I do wonder though, since they barely know where Baby Girl is half the time, why are they trying to adopt? And while we're on the subject, what exactly did Bette and Tina talk to this Marcy/Marcie chick about on the phone before meeting her? It was supposed to be this wonderful, long conversation that made them rush to Laughlin, NV--and more importantly, created a good enough reason for Bette to sleep on Motel 6 sheets--but they seemed uber surprised about basically every detail of this chick's life once they were there. All I know is, I'd watch a spin-off of that hick family and Marcy/Marcie any day. Maybe I can get a gig on it being her next door neighbor who teaches her the ways of the gay?

2. "It was...delicious."
And so were you, my dear Helena. So were you.
Did y'all hear my baby say "gangsta" in the episode? How adorably posh of you, Rachel Shelley. Ha I just realized that from now on, I want to refer to Rachel Shelley as "Rachel Shelleys" honor of this "dude." I feel like it's exactly what he would call her if he ever met her in a movie theater:

Yeah, and also Jaime should've reacted a LOT differently than she did when she was first introduced to Helena. First of all, as we learned earlier, her hair should have instantly turned upward. I know I mention Rachel Shelleys a lot in my posts, so of course you know I dig her. We are married, after all. But let's get serious here for a moment, shall we? If you were a single chick and one of your new friends suggested you meet up with a good friend of theirs on a date...and then HELENA fucking PEABODY (c)literally strolled (on fucking AIR) into the living room, would you or would you not think to yourself, "FUCK."?? I mean seriously folks. Chemistry or not, we didn't even get a slight reaction to what is obviously one of the most stunning women in history. HISTORY. Eh, whatdyagonnado.

1. Where...Was...the...SEX??

If you're going to make us sit through an episode like this, at least throw in a couple of sets of (good) boobs, some moaning, and some fake strap-on play, folks. Have Shane working on a couple of girls at once, have Alice tie up Tasha and show her what she learned that one time she totally did it with a Vampire. Show the honeymoon footage of me and Rachel Shelleys that I sent in. Jeez. Do the Japanese and I have to do EVERYTHING ourselves??
click here for evidence.

Next week's episode looks decent. And of course, Angela Robinson is directing it, which explains why.

Um, SO this:


Jenna R said...

Loved the bit about the crazy hair post sex with Helena, lol. But yeah... this episode sucked! Ilene Chaiken better step it up soon. There are only 4 more episodes. I agree... what is UP with Dylan's hair, not even gonna get started on Max or Jesse Spano's shiney face, and where the fuck is the sex?!

Solo said...

I can have FEW reasons why Max is a madness this season...nd all in all why the SEASON is a madness so far...
i will go one by the episode goes...
--HE doesnt like being referred to as mother....well...sorry dude...what u want to be referred as then : walking around knocked up vagina ???
--isnt the beard supposed to fell of or whatever happens when the female hormones dominate??
--wasnt it Jenny the one who was there for Max when all the craziness started?? whats with the curves talk... even for Jen that was too much...
--whats all Callie idea??honestly I do not follow...for what reason there always has to be a multimillionaires...
--Dylan...the hair..did she slept with a hat??
--the pregnancy course???WTF???gay trained to massage vagina?? how about in next episode we see course of lesbian doing a (pardon my french) blow job to a transsexual?????commoooon....
--the happy for her she did find the perfect family..the baby truly will have very interesting life....we start with the neighbors -- pregnant dude with a beard..who lives with a guy who is gay...nd two lesbians one of which is total nutcase nd loves to write about it...the other one is a hairstylist who has no idea about i said will be interesting..
--Jamie or Janie or whatever did you SERIOUSLY said NO to Helena??? to that that that bracelet... to that all that???
--back to are not washing themselves as well as feets...

Southern Comfort said...

Thank you for mentioning Tasha's hair, it was definitely on point. I think I'm in love with Rose Rollins lol

Lorraine said...

-So, am I the only person who heavily sense the threesome vibes happening with Tasha/Alice/Jaime? I felt it in my very LOINS!

-Maybe Dylan drinks too much Red Bull and it gives her winnnngs!

-I have photoshopped a picture that shows the inspiration of max's new look:

The soul patch and 'stache were hot, but this is going too damn far. The awkwardness the show tries to create oozes from the TV screen, into my blood and makes me wriggle around with displeasure. Seriously.

-Jaime is just sofuckinghotiwannadie.

-Jenny is starting to lay the crazy/bitchy on EXTRA thick and Shane is totally TAKING it. I think this is all a lead up to some crazy depressive meltdown (minus the state fair) which, in turn, is a lead up to what I'm sure will be an overly dramatic farewell that will simultaneously annoy me and make me weep like a little baby.

-I didn't even realize until you said something that Bette slept where she did and allowed her CHILD to sleep where she did. Brave, brave, Bette! You didn't even use a blacklight over the sheets. ("I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff, it's repugnant.")

-I have complete distaste for Helena (stop throwing tomatoes!). Anyone who would go back to someone who did shit like that to them, no matter how much they loved them, is OUT OF THEIR DAMN MIND.

-Tom is a piece of shit. Just goes to show that even gay men can be typical males.

Lastly, is anyone else feeling the 'coming to a close' feeling? It's almost over, the end of an era. I'm being so dramatic, but I am becoming so damn sad about it and that's the truth.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh. I just watched it and I'm sorry but, it was a drab. I concur they could have showed a tad bit a boobs. That lamaz seesion was gross. I almost threw up when she was walking around with the plastic Va-JJ stretching it. Ha, I thought I was the only one that noticed Bette's clear discomfort in Marcy's house but, she was content in that Motel. I swear sometimes they don't think all of these scenes through.

sheena said...

a. can't believe i didn't even notice there was no sex. who am i?

b. no jodi, no phyllis, no molly. secretly i was hoping phyllis would do something more dramatic to profess her love for bette, and make all of us viewers even more uncomfortable.

c. happy kit finally met her match in old-school-played-out-black-slang-from-a-previous decade-cheesiness.

d. are tasha and alice going to end up fighting over jamie? i can't imagine tasha allowing a ménage à trois, unless, of course, i make a guest appearance. she's too uptight, right? i'm just not sure where this is going.

e. i've been waiting on shenny for a long time. but this is not how i imagined it going down. there doesn't seem to be any real incentive on shane's part, like it seems like she's just going with it because this is the only way she can have her friend back, and she doesn't know how to say no, and she won't admit what she's getting into.

i loved when they threw out the paige shirt though.

f. aw max. what's he gonna do? i hope he gives birth before the end of the season. (also, he's not in the living room after jenny gets killed, is he?) maybe mama b and mama t will scoop in and take that baby.

g. why can't helena have one stable, strong season? why does she always have to be a destroyer or the destroyed? why couldn't she just have a hot sex scene with that kelly girl, or someone new? why, why, why? i loved her smirk when she realized she sounded like an awful mother. where is the powerful, don't-take-shit helena peabody hiding?

p.Johanna said...

you are on point, like always. i agree. threesome in the air, the make-up department needs to be watching the screen to catch the oily face and WTF with Max's feet?!

Oh, one more thing: Shane's ity, bity titty's should be kept hidden!

Terra Lynn said...

This episode was on crazy pills!! Max being pregnant with a beard is freaking me out. You guys are hilarious!! I agree with what a lot of you say. I guess I didn't notice the oily faces. Lol.

So is Kit and that drag queen Sunset Blvd or whatever his name is going to be an item? That's freakin weird. And episode like this needed sex!

And Tasha looked smokin hot.

Caitriona said...

Obviously Bette was ok in that motel room, she had been there before. It certainly looked the same as the motel she was in when she ran away with baby Angelica after the Sharman non-wedding in Canada.

arlan said...

Damn Caitriona, your observational skills are on POINT! Juno-kudos.

Jaimie said...

I didn't like this episode too much at all. BUT I did love how shane did not allow jenny to get rid of Carmen.

Kirst said...

So great. Poor Max. You're right; the beard is hideous.

And I can't explain why, but your use of "Baby Girl" put such a huge smile on my face. ;P

SuperTex said...

*sigh* kit may very well become my life coach. her fantasy takes place at gelson's?! she must have decided that while the weho pavillions may be no longer, she'll be damned if she goes back to fucking random dudes in the dairy section at vons!

she has inspired me to raise the bar! forget ralph's. my new fantasy is to "bump carts" with a hottie at bristol farms.

Anonymous said...

Ep. 4 was THE worst to date...I LOVE this series but maybe they should have ended it last season like orignally planned. Tonights episode is sure to be better!

zo said...

Arlan you are a star. You make me laugh out loud, proper belly laughs xxxxxx