Blog Archive

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Probably the Most Personal Thing I've Ever Blogged About...

Each year on New Year's (since 2007), I've posted this video on the site because it reminds me SO much of you guys.



Some of you were readers when I posted this a year ago (and some the very FIRST time I did years ago!), and some of you are new to the site. But all of you really mean the world to me. Every year, no matter what we all go through individually, it is my hope that you/we can come back to this site and know that we aren't alone. You guys remind me of that every single day through your comments and your emails and public & private messages. The dozens I get each day from women (and some men) from all over the world, all ages, races, walks of life, etc.

2009 was personally one of my most difficult. The end of 2008 was a rough time as well...and I'm just SO grateful to be here typing this right now. I hate to get into it because there's no way for it not to sound dramatic. But I like to be honest with you guys because even though I'm opening myself up to the chance for judgement when I make myself this vulnerable publicly, I know that there is SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who gets helped by it. And to me, that's all that matters.

I haven't mentioned it til now because I was trying to figure out the most appropriate time, AND building up the courage to do it. The truth is, back in May of 2009 I reached an extremely weak point in my life where I was on the brink of suicide. It was planned and ready to go. Letters written. Decisions made. Hope lost. I was lost, I was hurting, I was in a VERY dark place mentally and emotionally.

If I went into detail about all of this here, it would take hours to read. So I won't. But I'm an open book and if you have questions, you can ask. You can ask here, or you can get in touch with me through email or on facebook. If I don't answer right away (or even at all in some cases), please don't take it personally, and please don't be upset with me. I get lots and lots (and LOTS) of messages each day, and when I then open it up and invite even more messages, its literally too much to answer. BUT, what I promise you is that I WILL read every single message I get.

It was through the help of my mother and a few close friends that I was able to find the strength to not go through with it. And now I'm so happy and literally *full* of life. To me, every day feels like a gift. Every breath feels like a chance at something. And I feel so incredibly humbled. To think that at some point I was going to take away something voluntarily that others lose by accident and illness and in other ways EVERY SINGLE DAY? I'm grateful for the wisdom this has given me.

You guys don't know this, but you were also part of what helped me stick around. You were most certainly in my thoughts during that time, and I didn't want to let you down, or set a bad example.

If you feel like you are in a place where you could possibly hurt yourself or others, I BEG you to ask for help. If you can't ask family or friends, please get in touch with The Trevor Project (google!). They'll take your phonecall or email 24 hours a day and help you. They're amazing.

I want to leave this on a high note, so I will say this: You (and your boobs) are beautiful! :-D

14 comments:

Jennifer said...

Arlan... I feel like I know you and that I've known you for years. I've been reading your blog since around the time you started it. I'm a month from 18. You've been such an amazing constant for me... I never really thought about what it would have been like without you. I feel like I'd be someone else- like I'd be missing something. I've been a proud lesbian since I became sure of it's existence in me, but I've gone through a lot of changes over the years- from shy to outgoing... And you have always been here, making me laugh. You're amazing and I needed to make sure I tell you this time instead of skipping out on making a comment. Love ya Arlan =] ~Jen

RHEA said...

[[huggles]]

Glad that things are better now :)

Cassandra said...

Arlan, I would venture to say that MANY of us have been there, and I'm overjoyed that you have come out on the other side a happier person. I'm going to be selfish and say I'm not sure what I would have done without your amazing picture finds and simply put your humor. You are constantly making my day brighter, and I'm sure many other beautiful women would agree with me! You are loved.

supertex said...

i'm proud of you for facing and defeating that demon!!! i spent 2009 undergoing treatment for cancer, and your blog was often the highlight of my day. like you, i have been humbled by that experience. i am truly thankful for everyday - i have so much appreciation for the smallest of things!

thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this, Arlyn. I think a lot of people need to know that it isn't uncommon to have those types of thoughts or ideas, and that you ARENT alone.

what the said...

arlan,

i've been reading your blog for 2+ years now, although i've never commented. i have always thought you were super cool, funny, talented, and motivated. also, i totally have an internet crush on you and when i moved to LA i hoped i might run into you somewhere.

anygay, i have been where you were and it sucks. i am sorry you went through it. the bright side, if you can call it that, is that when you pull yourself out of it, everything feels like the gift it truly is.

i am never this effervescent, but what you said really touched me. i wish you all the best. keep being your kick ass self.

Natalie said...

Arlan - I've been reading your blog since you first started it, and I feel like I'm actually friends with you. It must have been really hard to open up about what you've been through, and I commend you for that. I'm happy to hear that you are back from the brink and doing well with your life now. I continue to wish you the best, and will continue faithfully following you for as long as you continue to share your love of boobs! Always remember that at any point in time, there are hundreds (I venture to say thousands) of gay women out there on the internet who would be happy to talk to you!! :)

elliB said...

All I can say is that I love you for real, and I'm so glad to call you a friend.

Patrice said...

Wow, I'm so sorry that you went through such a dark moment within your life. However, I'm so happy that you made it through. I've had my share of downers and it always bring me back to a higher note. I think as a lesbian, we all need to do our part in being much more supportive of one another. Luckily for you, you had that tangible support system that were hands on. Sometimes, our parents and friends can be the ones that are causing us great pain. I'm glad that you had that support at home and on the internet as well. I look forward to reading your posts and maybe we could work together in the near future.

Much love.
Patrice
LeadTheWayOut.com

Anonymous said...

Dear Arlan,

I'm glad you are doing better, and I'm sad to know that you were ever in a rough place. You're such a strong, intelligent woman, and I'm honest in saying you are one of my biggest Heroes. We've never talked personally or anything, but it was this blog that was there for me when I was discovering who I was. It was this blog that made me realize that it was okay to be who I was. I turn to this blog for laughs, for support, for everything- And I hope that in the future, you will do the same!! There are many people who would love to support you, in the ways you've supported us!

Zoe said...

I'm glad you've come through your bad time, really glad. Your site and all that you bring to it - humour, intelligence, sexiness, politics, everything - means so much to your readers.
I'm glad you are full of life, long may it continue
Zoe

christina said...

<3 much love gurl.... you have no idea how much you mean to so many of us out here on the worldwideweb. Dont ever forget it, bc there are so many people here who would do anything 4 ya if they had the chance.

take it easy gurlie, and if u ever need anything, you know where 2 find us ;-)

Lydia said...

Yeah! You got the bad girls!
Great post! Glad your all better now!

Anonymous said...

xx