Each year on New Year's (since 2007), I've posted this video on the site because it reminds me SO much of you guys.
Some of you were readers when I posted this a year ago (and some the very FIRST time I did years ago!), and some of you are new to the site. But all of you really mean the world to me. Every year, no matter what we all go through individually, it is my hope that you/we can come back to this site and know that we aren't alone. You guys remind me of that every single day through your comments and your emails and public & private messages. The dozens I get each day from women (and some men) from all over the world, all ages, races, walks of life, etc.
2009 was personally one of my most difficult. The end of 2008 was a rough time as well...and I'm just SO grateful to be here typing this right now. I hate to get into it because there's no way for it not to sound dramatic. But I like to be honest with you guys because even though I'm opening myself up to the chance for judgement when I make myself this vulnerable publicly, I know that there is SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who gets helped by it. And to me, that's all that matters.
I haven't mentioned it til now because I was trying to figure out the most appropriate time, AND building up the courage to do it. The truth is, back in May of 2009 I reached an extremely weak point in my life where I was on the brink of suicide. It was planned and ready to go. Letters written. Decisions made. Hope lost. I was lost, I was hurting, I was in a VERY dark place mentally and emotionally.
If I went into detail about all of this here, it would take hours to read. So I won't. But I'm an open book and if you have questions, you can ask. You can ask here, or you can get in touch with me through email or on facebook. If I don't answer right away (or even at all in some cases), please don't take it personally, and please don't be upset with me. I get lots and lots (and LOTS) of messages each day, and when I then open it up and invite even more messages, its literally too much to answer. BUT, what I promise you is that I WILL read every single message I get.
It was through the help of my mother and a few close friends that I was able to find the strength to not go through with it. And now I'm so happy and literally *full* of life. To me, every day feels like a gift. Every breath feels like a chance at something. And I feel so incredibly humbled. To think that at some point I was going to take away something voluntarily that others lose by accident and illness and in other ways EVERY SINGLE DAY? I'm grateful for the wisdom this has given me.
You guys don't know this, but you were also part of what helped me stick around. You were most certainly in my thoughts during that time, and I didn't want to let you down, or set a bad example.
If you feel like you are in a place where you could possibly hurt yourself or others, I BEG you to ask for help. If you can't ask family or friends, please get in touch with The Trevor Project (google!). They'll take your phonecall or email 24 hours a day and help you. They're amazing.
I want to leave this on a high note, so I will say this: You (and your boobs) are beautiful! :-D