Blog Archive

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Top 20 Movies You Liked When You Were a Kid...
Because You Were a Lesbian Even Back Then

You probably thought you were watching these movies because of their whimsical storylines, or because you enjoyed the actors' performances. But the real reason you liked these films when you were younger is cause of YOUR whimsical homosexuality. You just didn't know it yet.

20.
Annie



Why you thought you were watching it: It was a musical with a bunch of kids your age!! Yay!! Cotton candy and mirth for everyone!!
Why you were really watching it: It was like our kid version of the Women Behind Bars documentaries we can't get enough of today. Just with wonderful musical numbers added. Think about it.

19. Next Karate Kid

Why you thought you were watching it: Your dad enrolled you in a karate class a couple of months prior to you seeing this trailer, and you thought it would be a good idea to get a glimpse of what your future may be like. Plus, you dug large birds (that, by the way, is the same excuse you used for "Lost & Delirious" years later).

Why you were really watching it: Toned guns, flexible, svelte body...chiseled jawline. Your little lesbian spidey senses knew Hilary Swank would be like the queer mothership even back then.

18. Empire Records

Why you thought you were watching it: You were at the mall one day and your boyfriend was still trying to figure out why you hated tongue-kissing him so much, so you had at least a couple hours to kill.

Why you were really watching it: Ah, where do I begin? Liv Tyler (I really could stop here), chicks shaving their heads, chicks talking to other chicks about shaving their heads, Liv Tyler again...and the hits don't stop, folks!

17. Bad Girls

Why you thought you were watching it: You had a final paper due in Social Studies class and you convinced your teacher to let you do it on this flick. Since she herself was a lesbian and had undoubtedly seen it 3 or 4 times her damn self, she happily agreed.

Why you were really watching it: It was a fine combination of slow motion horseback riding and corsets. How could your tiny lesbian self resist??

16.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


Why you thought you were watching it: Your little brother wanted to see the action scenes. You liked buttered popcorn, so you agreed to chaperone.
Why you were really watching it: Make no mistake: If you watched the first Ninja Turtles movie 'cause you had to, you were a good sister. If you watched its 2 sequels, you were a lesbian. If you had a Ninja Turtle lunchbox in the 3rd grade, you were me.

15.
Tied: Addams Family
& Addams Family Values*


Why you thought you were watching it: Cool visuals, unique storytelling, awesome dark humor, and look, there's a hand moving by itself!
Why you were really watching it: Christina Ricci, rocking your *why do I feel tingly everytime she's on screen* teenage world while burning shit to the ground like a rockstar.
*Actually, Addams Family Values has a slight advantage due to Joan Cusack's rockin' cleavage throughout, since its a given that you were staring at it the whole time.

14.
Adventures In Babysitting
=


Why you thought you were watching it: Everyone at school said it was radical, and your mom let you go to the 8pm show, which meant you were going to get to stay out til 10:30pm. Finally, you were a woman.
Why you were really watching it: Um, Elizabeth Shue is wicked hot, and you were secretly hoping they were going to show the nakey pics of Shue's doppelganger in that magazine. BONUS! While looking up the name of the little girl (Maia Brewton) who was on this and Parker Lewis Can't Lose, I read the following tidbit: "Has twin sons with her wife, Lara. <--Jaw, floor, hit. AWESOME!

13. Troop Beverly Hills

Why you thought you were watching it:

Why you were really watching it:
Definitely because of THAT, and, cause you secretly had a crush on that chick who played Margo on Punky Brewster and you knew she was in it. Plus Jenny Lewis, Carla Gugino and Kellie Martin were on your baby lesbian radar even back then. High five!


12.
Foxfire

Why you thought you were watching it:
You accidentally found this one while strolling through the video store (you know, back when there was...VHS and the video store smelled like a library?). You picked it up and somehow convinced yourself that photographs like this one:




from the box were NOT gay. You soon realized just how wrong you were.
Why you were really watching it:
Before anyone knew who she was, Angelina Jolie was still able to get a room full of chicks to not only take their tops off on demand, but to let her tattoo them in some sort of lesbian-maker ritual by candlelight. Before you knew it, your top was off too. How does she DO it??

11. G.I. Jane

Why you thought you were watching it: You watched it on video cause you figured even if you didn't like the plot or acting, you could fast forward it and use it as a wicked workout. Your delts and quads were pissed for months.

Why you were really watching it: Ok here's the thing: It doesn't matter if you watched this movie or "Ghost," or "Indecent Proposal"...if you paid any amount of money or coerced someone into paying any amount of money to watch a film simply based on the fact that Demi Moore was in it, you were not only a (lesbian) client, you were the (lesbian) club president.

10.
FEDS


Why you thought you were watching it: You were considering being a police officer, going into the army, or being in the secret service. Not many of your friends were talking about this little gem, so you thought you'd get a leg up on them.
Why you were really watching it:
Two women have to prove themselves over and over again to clueless guys, while kicking ass, getting into bar brawls and sometimes wearing skimpy outfits. You were gay, gay, gay!


9.
My Girl


Why you thought you were watching it: Every single female in your whole school was going to see it. There was no way you'd miss out on being able to discuss this with them!
Why you were really watching it:
Every. Single. Female....in your schoo--hold up, that meant you'd get to be around EVERY SINGLE FEMALE in your school while watching a cute chick run around with Mac Culkin (who might as well have been another girl)?? You were SO there! ...and consequently, SO homosexual.
UPDATE: My studies show that 47% of us you watched the sequel because you thought the boy in it was a girl when you saw the trailer.

8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Why you thought you were watching it: I tried to type out the theme music to Beverly Hills, 90210, but failed. You get the idea though, right? Ah, Dylan...*sigh*

Why you were really watching it: Your gym coach wasn't the only one swimming in The Nile. Ya heard?


7.
Set It Off

Why you thought you were watching it: Badass chicks. Bigass guns. Its on!
Why you were really watching it:
Queen Latifah tongue kissin' her (surprisingly mute) bottom bitch & Jada Pinkett OWNING that black dress.


6.
Beaches

Why you thought you were watching it: The ultimate chick flick. Every woman should watch it. ...Right?
Why you were really watching it: True. But also, come closer to the screen. Closer...juuust a bit closer. If you can quote ANY line from this movie, YOU ARE A LESBIAN. I know there are lots of straight and bi women who read my site. To those women I say: if you can quote ANY line from Beaches, YOU ARE A LESBIAN.

5. The Craft

Why you thought you were watching it: You were just getting into your *way too much eyeliner for one's own good* + yes I wear a long overcoat even in the summer cause I'm a *thinker* phase and by the looks of the trailer, you figured you could get some tips on how to be a weeee bit creepier by next semester.

Why you were really watching it: If you weren't gay before Fairuza Balk came into your life, you certainly were after. You know the scene where the chick shakes her brunette hair blonde? Well Fairuza shook your semi-straight-but-bored soul lez. You instantly purchased the poster and put it on your ceiling, and had no idea why your mom started suggesting you get pregnant before high school graduation.

4.
A League of Their Own


Why you thought you were watching it: Female empowerment! Teamwork! Madonna!
Why you were really watching it:
Cause you were SUCH a lesbian. That's why. I won't insult your intelligence by pretending that I need to explain this one.

3.
Fried Green Tomatoes

Why you thought you were watching it: It was an adult type film that made you feel like you were mature. Something to discuss over dinner with the folks, while smoking your new pipe.
Why you were really watching it:




2. Thelma & Louise


Why you thought you were watching it: The idea of sitting in a crisp movie theater on a sweltering summer day with middle-aged women who were slightly intoxicated sounded like a good idea. Plus, this didn't hurt (you're only human!):


Why you were really watching it: I mean who are we kidding? This whole post could have just been called "Thelma & Louise" and you would have understood its intent.

1.
Weird Science


Why you thought you were watching it: It was a Friday night and your boyfriend wanted to see a movie. You were cool with that cause it meant 2 hours of silence from him. You just didn't know why you wanted 2 hours of silence from him. Hmmm...
Why you were really watching it: A movie about two geeky pervs who create the hottest woman alive in their bedroom, all while wearing bras on their heads? They might as well have lifted the script directly from the diary you kept in your hope chest.

17 comments:

Kari said...

I wish this list would have been around 15 years ago! It would have saved me a lot of heartache (and a lot of unnecessary sex with boys)!

Now to watch them all again as my older, wiser and more lesbian self!

Gina said...

Damn Arlan, you're good. Although I truly believe "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and "Bad Girls" should have made the list. Maybe even "The Crush."

anjee said...

I can remember the look a crowd of old women and my mom gave me as I excitly ran up to her in blockbuster, pleading with her to rent Fried green tomatoes again...

I guess even as a 10 yr old I was stamped "lesbian"!

Shannon said...

I soooo.....had a ninja turtle lunchbox! Along with all the action figures, video games, etc. Even had a Michelangelo bday cake when I was 8. Love it!

All Things Caribbean Cuisine said...

I love the top 20 movie list, everything you said is so ture! Great blog Arlan! ;-)

innicenttramp said...

omg! lol SO true :)

Rockharpered said...

Girlfight:
Why you thought you were watching it:
Because your boyfriend said it was being filmed at his gym and he has a cameo
Why you were really watching it:
The birth of Michelle Rodriguez. Nuff said.

Matilda:
Why you thought you were watching it:
Its Friday night and youre stuck babysitting. The kid needs to be entertained, so you pop in a kid friendly flick.
Why you were really watching it:
Embeth Davitz, thin sweater, long skirt, and she lives alone. Goodbye tea and biscuits, and hello fantasy.

6b4f4a32-6ec3-11e0-b47a-000bcdcb8a73 said...

Hahahaha. You are so dead on with this one! I know realize I knew I was a lesbian since I was about 11 yrs old:)

Hieratic said...

So good. It feels like everything I liked as a kid could be turned around and seen as my lesbian tendencies rollin' on into my life.

Loved all of these, especially loved many of the actresses in them. Elisabeth Shue, marry me please.

Plus, GI Jane was totally badass.

alicia said...

True story: as a young girl I used to just sit and stare at the cover of My Girl because I thought Anna Chlumsky was that gorgeous in that picture.

Kristy Cato said...

What happen to Wild Thing?

Anonymous said...

Great!!

I'd add Now and Then, and Milk Money :D

Anonymous said...

Here's one for the younger generation: Bend it Like Beckham. Bonus points if you got annoyed at coach Joe for interrupting the CLEARLY more important story of Jess and Jules' relationship.

Anonymous said...

Totally agreed with the ninja turtles!! And your missing "Now and Then"... Just saying

Hallucigenia said...

I've seen half these movies and i'm not even american... you're so accurate ;-) i wish i knew why i saw craft every time it was on tv back then!

Anonymous said...

add

Lady Bugs and Just One of The Guys to this list - both of those movies had me all kinds of confused growing up.

jodief1 said...

Dude, you forgot "The Princess Bride." I thought maybe I wanted Cary Elwes, but really I just wanted to *be* him. Plus, if true love between a mostly-dead ex-pirate and a haughty non-princess isn't a metaphor for lesbian desire, I don't know what is.