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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Swear This Post Is About
Allison Iraheta.

Here's the thing: maybe I'm just getting old. And hey, if having good taste in music means I'm an old timer at 29, then I'm completely cool with that. Tonight I have a little beef with someone. I've never met this person and I'm sure he's a lovely fellow outside of music. He's probably the apple of his mama's eye. A stand up guy. But to me, in the entire 17 and a half minutes that I've known of his existance, he has become my mortal enemy. mortal enema.

This man's Christian TV. I'm not gonna link to him from my site cause he's too silly, but you can google him and get ALL the information you need. Too much, in fact. (case in point: look up the "lyrics" to "When She Turns 18")

I have two questions: 1. What in the holy hell is this person and also 2. What in the HOLY hell??

I'm angry at my beloved So You Think You Can Dance for subjecting me to him for nearly 4 minutes while catching up on just now (seriously, search for the performance on youtube. You'll understand.), but I am willing to forgive them due to their decision to keep Cat Deeley and Mia Michaels on my screen year in and year out. According to my calculations, because of the hotness of these two women (and Sonia and that Nappy Taps wife), and the perfection that is a Mia Michaels' piece, the show is allowed to make approx. 427 errors in judgement through the year 2024. However, because of the mental anguish Christian TV's "performance" and stage name have caused me tonight, this mistake counts as 200 of those.

Now to prove that while a person may not be as old and wise (ahem) as me, they could still have the ability to rock the eff off another person's or several people's faces, one must look no further than a Ms. Allison Iraheta. In fact, I think one should look at a one Ms. Allison Iraheta right now. Look:

Unlike the ridiculous lady-friend in that boy's song from earlier, Allison has turned 18. I mention this because I did the obligatory age check before posting this. It's a practice I learned while perving on the likes of Taylor Swift and that Hayley from Paramore. Of course I'd never date an 18 year old, but its legally and kinda morally ok for me to wanna sex up Allison's vocal chords. And it wouldn't be morally wrong for me to rush the stage at a performance and dry hump her leg while mouthing the words "you, me, your vocal chords, later?" Well, now that I've typed it out, perhaps its not as morally anything as I thought.

Anyhoo, CLICK HERE to check out a performance she did on So You Think You Can Dance recently. I havent looked it up yet, but I'd be willing to bet my life fortune--consisting of my prize-winning rubber ducky collection, some half-burnt NSFW polaroids I um..found, and an IOU for a "Kid Sister" doll from 1987--that Linda Perry had something to do with this situation. There are charred remnants of P!nk's MissUndaztood album all OVER that stage.

Oh and P.S., I'm looking into procuring a quicky marriage license for me and this Orianthi chick playing the absolute HELL out of the geetar in the performance. My, my, my.


Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you about Christian TV! All I can say is thank god for DVR's and the fast forward button. I have friends who sing at kareoke who sound better than him.

arlan said...

Yep...and the lyrics to this song = pedophile pop? As the kids say these days: FAIL.

diana said...

i wish i learned to play the guitar. then i could look totally hot. doesnt help that my mom never let me color my hair purple when i was a kid. tisk tisk on you mom. u ruined my hotness.