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Monday, January 21, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Season 5, Episode 3 Was One of My Favorites in the Series:

**SPOILER ALERT FOR the episode that just aired. SPOILER**

10. We learned that Bette is officially the smartest human being on the face of the planet.
Bette has learned EVERY word in sign language. And in just a few days! No I'm serious. She learned the word "dilettante." In sign language. Before you yell at me, I know Jodi spelled the word. But she spelled it super fast and not all the letters. I didn't even know what the word meant before last night, let alone how to spell it, and in sign language. Wow Bette. Just...wow.

9. She "got it from Rico...the neighborhood thug." Haha, remember that song from the early 90s?? Shane's a dope clit fiend...and she needs mo. They keep tellin her to stoooop...but she says go. And it's GREAT. Haven't had this much fun with Shane since she stole shit with Alice and Bette last season.

8. Will somebody just listen to Max's podcast already?? He knows everything about 'puters. He's workin with topnotch video equipment--that he personally called by its name and everything, and he's rockin a MAD cool soul patch for what seems like years. He can probably put together a wicked mixtape and podcast. Give the man a chance. Put him in the game, Coach. (But uh, sidenote to the writers: The character you've made Alice out to be would NEVER ever be such a bitch to Max for being transgender. In the first season, you had her fucking a MAN who identified himself as a lesbian. She put his penis all up in her vagina. And you think a couple years later she's gonna hate on a chick for being true to herself. That ain't even cool. Stop the madness.)

7. We learned that Rose Rollins can act her ass off. I mean seriously, didn't know she had it in her. But she killed those lines in this episode. I was fired up for her. I was halfway done lacing up my commando boots getting ready to enlist before I realized it was just a TV show. She's got mad skills. Keep em coming! Oh and I met Rose last Thursday night in West Hollywood and she was REAL cool, y'all. Just as you would imagine. Really nice, patient...laid back. Hot. Ahem.

6. Shane's hair in this:


5. Helena's EVERYTHING in this:


4. After getting held up at gunpoint, Kit did NOT say "Imma get you sucka!" and kick the gun out of the dude's hand. She had a rational, non-stereotypical reaction to a high-pressure situation. I took a sigh of relief. Then I yelled at the screen, "Imma get you sucka!" Cause nobody messes with my Kit baby.

3. Two words: Boob and bies. They were EVERYWHERE this episode! I mean boobies, running a muck at the gym, in the locker room, all up in Tina's face...all up in that other chick's face. Natural ones. "Augmented" ones. Left ones. Right ones. Side shots. I think I even saw one upside down in a mirror at one point. It was boobies galore. It was a boobie FANTASIA. I totally motor-boated my screen on a couple of occasions. Good stuff.

2. Today's show has been brought to you by the words "Fuck" and "Fucking." I'm sayin...it's like Showtime told the writers, "Ok you get to use a total of 50 "fucks" this whole season." And then 3 episodes into it, Ilene was all, "Hey you GUYS! We totally forgot to use our fuck points in the first two episodes. We'll LOSE them if we don't USE them." So the race to see who could say "FUCK" the most times in one episode was on. I didn't take score, but I think Tasha won that shit. I mean fuck.

1. Bosom Buddies is right! You know I've been a fan of Holland Taylor's ever since she was Tom Hanks' boss on "Bosom Buddies" in the 80s. She kills it as Charlie Sheens mom on "Two and a Half Men," and I hope she's getting paid double her normal rate for her screen time on The El...cause damn she lights up a scene. And the absolute best line of the entire season so far was Peggy Peabody's response to a jailer's catcalls to "let me eat your pussy." My jaw dropped when she said this bit of poetry (who wrote it, by the way?)

Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check. (pause) And were you to pass muster, baby I'd give it to you family style.


Brava!

Now I would like for Ilene and her pussy posse to approach the bench, cause there's a serious, SERIOUS matter to discuss. Um...I know you're just messing with me. I know you haven't lost your goddamned minds and written Helena completely off the show. I know y'all wouldn't do me like that after all this time we've had together. I ain't gonna cry, alright. Cause I'm a soldier and that's not how I ride...but um...ahem...Imma let you know that I'm a little emotional right now, alright? That's my girl. That's my bitch. My dawg. My dilettante, if you will. So lay it out for me real quick like. Are you gonna bring my baby back (I want my baby back baby back baby back), or am I gonna have to find you at Gay Pizza on Santa Monica and throw some bows? Naw, I'd never get into real fisticuffs with you. That's not my style. I'm just gonna get back in the fetal position though, and rock back and forth...til this nightmare is OVER. HELENAAAAAAAA!!!!

Ahem. But yeah, the use of UH HUH HER's "Explode" to send Helena off was off the HOOK, wasnt it?? Bonus points for that shit. Credit where credit's due. Just um...bring Helena back. Alright.


41 comments:

VA said...

i so hope they didn't write Helena off. I'll be super pissed if they did.
great blog by the way,dear.

FunkyRunnerGirl said...

I LOVED Peggy's comeback....that WAS the best!!

Mish said...

I totally one hundred percent love this blog. And I mean LOVE! I can't believe you put that much energy into it, and it's delightful. I agree with everything, almost. Mostly with the part about Helena!! I can't believe they would do that after the kill-Dana-off-moronic-move of season 3. Helena was my new love!! I hope to see some more good episodes like this one, with less Jenny of course. And I really wanna see Max and Jodi's interpreter make out!! :)

Oh em gee. I am so getting that Un-Shane my heart shirt once I get a job. Keep it up mama. You're delightful!

Bloo said...

i however did not get to watch this one or the last but i love your blog on it. makes me feel like i did watch it lmao shen and helena where great in the vids love em. keep it up

Heather said...

And the number one dead give away that you've been reading this blog too long: You're watching possibly the best episode of The L Word thus far, watch Helena walk off (for hopefully not) the last time, and you think, "Holy fuck? What is Arlan gonna do without her weekly dose of Helena?" Cause yeah, that's what I thought. Not haha, Shane just kissed Helena because she's horny as hell! Not, holy fuck, they can't write Helena off? Not, I thought Shane said she was giving up smoking... but What is Arlan gonna do? If crying to the L Word writers doesn't work, may I suggest prayers to the lesbian gods, sometimes they work...

arlan said...

va = me too. and thank you:-)

funkyrunner = totally. no one could have done it better.

mish = thank you SO much.

bloo = will do. will do:-)

heather = that's...AWESOME. ive officially entered the l word ether...mmmm and it tastes YUMMY.

aimeetoons said...

this is gonna sound weird, but get out of my head!! great episode!

jabrocks79 said...

ok..... fucking HILARIOUS!!!! I'm pretty sure lat night's episode was wicked awesome!!! Shane had awesome hair and them she kissed Helena "by accident" AWESOME!!!! BEST blog.... u rock!! xoxo jill

Addled said...

I didn't anticipate this to be Rachel's last episode..I like you am none to happy about it:-( Oh and shane's hair was the bomb. Rose, man she did blow me away also! Mad acting skills. NOw on this note, its been bugging me the whole Alice and Max vibe. I can NOT see Alice being so against Max, and It just doesn't feel right for Alice's character. And LMAO yeah, Bette is totally fluent super fast! Loved the episode, its really good this season!!!~Lori~

porselen kertenkele said...

it's 2.30 in the morning and i'm sitting in front of my computer with a hilarious expression that looks like i'm about to cry. cuz i'm about to cry. i need that episode. i need it fast. every single means to download it is waayy too fast, my torrent says it's gonna take 18 more hours, and youfuckingtube is being a bitch.

if anybody knows an accurate way of downloading it tell me. i knew my way around for the l ast 4 seasons, but it doesnt work anymore.

PS. that word verification code to comment looks riddiculously like it says boobs. or i'm way too psychotic.

natalie said...

Heather - I feel you. My first thought was: "Are they fucking serious?! She better be coming back!" followed quickly by: "oh man Arlan is gonna be UPPPPPset."

Anonymous said...

I would have to agree that this last episode, one of the best epi's so far this season! I can't believe Shane gave up sex fer a while which we all know isn't gonna last long! AND if they write Helena off im goin to be soo MAD!!

Great episode none-the-less!!

Anonymous said...

Arlan, thanks for bringing up reason #8. I was so mad when Alice was being a total biatch to Max. I love Alice and I don't want the writers to make her out like that! I love Max too, and I know this is a show about lesbians but it's good to keep Max in the mix.

Abs

crazydayz82 said...

First of all I would like to say, that Arlan you rocked on this blog! And I know that there are Jenny lovers and Haters around, so I have to say this... I think that this is my favorite episode so far just for the fact that Jenny was barely in this show. I usually don't "hate" Jenny, but so far this season, I just want to bash her head in... Ahem.. I mean, um, I think Jenny needs to quit being such a bitch....

Anonymous said...

dude! Jenny is a comical genius! every line, mimick of hers is gold!! I think they did a great job turning her into a diva gone bongos lol

Anonymous said...

No need to worry ladies. Ilene herself said on OurChart (her secret ingredient video thingy) that Helena would be coming back.

Anonymous said...

'bigger and better' than ever, too. awesome. i knew we wouldn't have seen the last of her. I also like thre reason they did it too, if you watch the ourchart thing, they realise they fucked up with the whole helena lobotomy that occured between seasons 2 and 3. score.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, for also noting that Alice wouldn't be ugly to a TS!

Anonymous said...

I didn't think Alice was being a bitch to Max, I think she's just preoccupied with Tasha's mess. BTW, I'm not totally in love with the Alice/Tasha thing. I think Tasha's too intense and lacking in humor for Alice.

As for Max' knowledge of the camera- the correct name is Panasonic DVX100A. And that's not state of the art, it's about 5 year old mini-dv tech. Sorry, video geek here. I shot a movie with two of those cameras 3 years ago. The hot new tech is the Panasonic HVX200 high def camera.

Stephanie F said...

That episode was ROCKIN! I would die if they took Helena off! She's hotter than my dream last night of me and Peggy gettin busy! Well, almost. But damn, that episode was gooooood! The intro was the best of the series. Alice was HILARIOUS! And totally weird to see Shane with a femme mop...but hot. Anyhow, long live Helena!

Elizabeth said...

Helena can't be gone for long. Can't. I refuse to believe it.

I don't think Tina was trying to be bitchy, I think she's just a little... distracted.

Anyone else notice Girltrash Riki in the OurChart profile photos? Yay! Also, everyone needs to check out her myspace and watch her 'Four Guys' music videos. Toooo funny. For reals.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait til Helena comes back bigger and better than ever - I doubt she'll come back with Dusty, but I do hope she does, coz I like her with a bad girl! I'm not a huge Helena fan, but loved her jail scenes with Dusty!

I don't know how people think this season isn't awesome - it gives me the spring in my step that I've been missing the last few months! LOVE IT!

And Arlan, I am SO fucking jealous that you met Rose Rollins! I mean, FUCK! ha. No seriously, totally jealous, she's my new Shane this season. am-AZING!

xx
Leigh

-sandra said...

omaga! seriously, how fuckin hot did Shane look? (your #6)
I mean, wow, wow, wow!! I love her!!

and (your #1) loved it! i started clapping hahaha

ReD SnaPPa said...

this episode totally "rocked"..!! and the Blog was right on point..!!

Kim said...

Man, that opening scene looked like SO MUCH FUN to shoot! I seriously hope for bloopers on that one on the next DVD set.

porselen kertenkele said...

*18 hours later*

torrent did it. that might've been the episode the crew had the most fun shooting. the whole crew. what was that angels thing? shane with the hair. major HAHA.

tube is still a bitch so i can't see whivh parts you picked, not that it really matters. Helena rocked this episode, more than ever. Every single expression she had.

plus, i'm glad tina finally got laid. i was starting to identify myself with her, a little too much. happy for her. and yes, Boobieesss o___O

i think jodi should drop that pain named bette and pick me, cuz her morning-drinker obnoxious friends seem like just for me, they'd fit right in my circle. want them. want that house.

i've got a bonus question. where is angelica? did i miss an episode where she was taken away. or it might be my amnesia. if not, i'm really wondering where the baby is.

bishop said...

According to Ilene in her latest podcast, Helena WILL be back.

So uh... put the ice picks down everyone. I did...

For now.

Jack Daniels said...

you.
are.
brilliant.

Anonymous said...

set aside her hair! do you here shane's voice!!!??? shes trying to sound all girly lol. or maybe she is just sounding like she normally talks. lol i forget these people are not who they portray on tv. they are real people with personalities, which is wierd because i just cannot imagine shane being straight!?!? can you? bet ya cant...lol ok ill stop rambling. SINCE NO ONE IN INDIANA HAS SHOWTIME I CANT WATCH IT SO I WELCOME THE SPOILERS ARLAN THANKS! Oh and if i would have had your phone number arlan i would have called you, there was a tv show on about lesbians and they were all british with british accents n stuff! i thought of you. but didnt have any internet connection where i was......how lame i am....anyways! two fangas playas

Shaye said...

Damn, I was wondering how you were going to react to that. As soon as they said Helena was leaving I was like, "OMG!... Poor Arlan." Damn, even I'm rather upset. Your recent praisings of Ms. Shelley and Helena's all-around awesomeness this season really got me invested in the character. And, now, she's gone.

Damn you, IC. Stop doing this to us. And btw, mentioning or alluding to Dana EVERY damn episode does not make up for killing her off. I shall never forgive you, IC.

On a lighter note, I want Jenny to have my babies.

LuckyDucksters said...

yeah fuck giving helena a break. Ilene has said on OurChart that they think it is best for her character for her to leave and then come back...but how come she's so fucking hott this season?! and that kiss with shane..


damnnnn

kand33 said...

I loved this episode because I think its just adorable how Shane is really trying to not have sex .. when she freaked in the locker room it was hilarious... Also I really hope they didn't write off Helena cuz her and the prison chick was hott... actually ...I want to see more of the prison chick...lol... i agree it was a lot of boobs left and right it was kind of weird for a sec lol .. and Bette is the best she is smart but I really did want her to join the game with her gf ... tina ..hmmm when did she get sooo hooked up on bette like I want her to get over it .. Alice and her soldier .. i love it the affectionate things they do together are sooo adorable .. I love how she just manhandles alice its hot ... But on a side note I Love The Blog everything you mentioned was what I was thinking ..can't wait till the next episode

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree with you more, Arlan. Thank you, thank you, thank you :)

Minnie-sota said...

HELENA! Take me with you. Por Favor.

That was a good episode.

Anonymous said...

"Let me eat your pussy," is part of a lyric from Lords of Acid's song Pussy.

Very good actually.

: )

Amanda said...

I thought about you immediately when they showed Helena leaving. I thought "Poor Arlan is gonna flip the fuck out"! That episode was sweet! Your blog is right on about all of it. But especially points....8, 7, 5, 3 and 1!
I love Rose, I love boobies, I love Helena and Dusty together and I LOVE this line.............
"Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check. (pause) And were you to pass muster, baby I'd give it to you family style."
Oh, I also love the use of UHH's song at the end of the episode.

Jen said...

Arlan,
I'm not British, and I don't live within 20 miles of LA - but if you'll say yes to my marriage proposal, I can be there in six hours or less (just have to drive from Phoenix - no big deal).

Dahling - you rock my world. With your new L word coverage I have officially moved from hero worship to considering full on stalking you....

I missed this episode, but now I feel as if I have seen it (except, the boobies, would have liked to see all the boobies).

j.

Anonymous said...

Um, what happened to Helena's children?

Anonymous said...

hollad taylor is the shit and my hero and you know that if she wanted to give it to a girl like that girl had never had she could do it right there on the spot without even thinking about goin for a practice run first

kirstywhitehead13 said...

I have just watched the episode "Lacuna" and am I completely wrong but is Dana's fitness instructor as she's running up the street, Helena's cell mate in Season 5? Blag!

Elizabeth said...

That is the same actress, they mention it in her Curve interview :) Good eye!