Top 10 Reasons Season 5, Episode 3 Was One of My Favorites in the Series:

**SPOILER ALERT FOR the episode that just aired. SPOILER**

10. We learned that Bette is officially the smartest human being on the face of the planet. Bette has learned EVERY word in sign language. And in just a few days! No I'm serious. She learned the word "dilettante." In sign language. Before you yell at me, I know Jodi spelled the word. But she spelled it super fast and not all the letters. I didn't even know what the word meant before last night, let alone how to spell it, and in sign language. Wow Bette. Just...wow.

9. She "got it from Rico...the neighborhood thug." Haha, remember that song from the early 90s?? Shane's a dope clit fiend...and she needs mo. They keep tellin her to stoooop...but she says go. And it's GREAT. Haven't had this much fun with Shane since she stole shit with Alice and Bette last season.

8. Will somebody just listen to Max's podcast already?? He knows everything about 'puters. He's workin with topnotch video equipment--that he personally called by its name and everything, and he's rockin a MAD cool soul patch for what seems like years. He can probably put together a wicked mixtape and podcast. Give the man a chance. Put him in the game, Coach. (But uh, sidenote to the writers: The character you've made Alice out to be would NEVER ever be such a bitch to Max for being transgender. In the first season, you had her fucking a MAN who identified himself as a lesbian. She put his penis all up in her vagina. And you think a couple years later she's gonna hate on a chick for being true to herself. That ain't even cool. Stop the madness.)

7. We learned that Rose Rollins can act her ass off. I mean seriously, didn't know she had it in her. But she killed those lines in this episode. I was fired up for her. I was halfway done lacing up my commando boots getting ready to enlist before I realized it was just a TV show. She's got mad skills. Keep em coming! Oh and I met Rose last Thursday night in West Hollywood and she was REAL cool, y'all. Just as you would imagine. Really nice, patient...laid back. Hot. Ahem.

6. Shane's hair in this:


5. Helena's EVERYTHING in this:


4. After getting held up at gunpoint, Kit did NOT say "Imma get you sucka!" and kick the gun out of the dude's hand. She had a rational, non-stereotypical reaction to a high-pressure situation. I took a sigh of relief. Then I yelled at the screen, "Imma get you sucka!" Cause nobody messes with my Kit baby.

3. Two words: Boob and bies. They were EVERYWHERE this episode! I mean boobies, running a muck at the gym, in the locker room, all up in Tina's face...all up in that other chick's face. Natural ones. "Augmented" ones. Left ones. Right ones. Side shots. I think I even saw one upside down in a mirror at one point. It was boobies galore. It was a boobie FANTASIA. I totally motor-boated my screen on a couple of occasions. Good stuff.

2. Today's show has been brought to you by the words "Fuck" and "Fucking." I'm sayin...it's like Showtime told the writers, "Ok you get to use a total of 50 "fucks" this whole season." And then 3 episodes into it, Ilene was all, "Hey you GUYS! We totally forgot to use our fuck points in the first two episodes. We'll LOSE them if we don't USE them." So the race to see who could say "FUCK" the most times in one episode was on. I didn't take score, but I think Tasha won that shit. I mean fuck.

1. Bosom Buddies is right! You know I've been a fan of Holland Taylor's ever since she was Tom Hanks' boss on "Bosom Buddies" in the 80s. She kills it as Charlie Sheens mom on "Two and a Half Men," and I hope she's getting paid double her normal rate for her screen time on The El...cause damn she lights up a scene. And the absolute best line of the entire season so far was Peggy Peabody's response to a jailer's catcalls to "let me eat your pussy." My jaw dropped when she said this bit of poetry (who wrote it, by the way?)

Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check. (pause) And were you to pass muster, baby I'd give it to you family style.

Brava!

Now I would like for Ilene and her pussy posse to approach the bench, cause there's a serious, SERIOUS matter to discuss. Um...I know you're just messing with me. I know you haven't lost your goddamned minds and written Helena completely off the show. I know y'all wouldn't do me like that after all this time we've had together. I ain't gonna cry, alright. Cause I'm a soldier and that's not how I ride...but um...ahem...Imma let you know that I'm a little emotional right now, alright? That's my girl. That's my bitch. My dawg. My dilettante, if you will. So lay it out for me real quick like. Are you gonna bring my baby back (I want my baby back baby back baby back), or am I gonna have to find you at Gay Pizza on Santa Monica and throw some bows? Naw, I'd never get into real fisticuffs with you. That's not my style. I'm just gonna get back in the fetal position though, and rock back and forth...til this nightmare is OVER. HELENAAAAAAAA!!!!

Ahem. But yeah, the use of UH HUH HER's "Explode" to send Helena off was off the HOOK, wasnt it?? Bonus points for that shit. Credit where credit's due. Just um...bring Helena back. Alright.