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Monday, February 25, 2008

Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 5, Episode 8 Was "a Masturbatory Opus"

#10. "She's a 'Spaghetti Girl': straight until wet!"

She might have just been cast on the biggest straight-people wet dream on television ("Dancing With the Stars") but Marlee Matlin still remembers what's really important: awesome one liners about what it takes to turn a chick gay. Not much, as it turns out.

9. I can't wait to see Max take Adele down.
Max wasn't even in this episode, but he still made an impression on my heart. As does Britney Spears (not really). So I give you...both:

(S)he's hot.

8. Sorry Paris and Zac Efron. Turns out the L Word doesn't want your dick after all. If he didn't know it already, leave it the El to let Zac know he's not "hip, hot, hunky, NOR handsome." As Martin Lawrence used to (almost) say...Dayum (T)ina! That had to sting. And I wonder if Paris knows that her buddies at the El think she's not an actress. Hmmm... Months go by. Minds change I suppose. And if Curve Magazine can handle season 4 where they were being treated like slime on the show while promoting the hell out of it in real life, I'm sure Paris can get over it to. That is, if she still remembers what the L Word is.

7. Which came first, the chicken, or the lez? I wanna know if Kelly Mcgillis got the lesbian haircut before or after being cast on the show. I've also decided that I'd like very much to be cast as a stoic court reporter if the L Word gets a 6th season. Or Helena's bra. I'm flexible. *ahem*

6. L Word writers: You can't handle the truth! I love how Alice said during testimony matter-of-factly when asked how long she's known Tasha, "maybe a year. I don't know." She wasn't being flippant. With their infamous juxtaposition of time, even the writers don't know how long they've known each other. I thought it was 3 months. know I still love y'all, right.

5. Tasha, you run like a girl, gurl. But damn if she still knows how to fill out a military uniform. DAMN. I mean really, god bless you. It's just a shame how your *ahem* best friend Papi *ahem* just disappeared on you like that. Your uh, best friend *ahem* not being there for you during the most important days of your military career. I wonder where she is. Some would say that I even wonder where the hell Papi is.

4. As a rule, I always bet on Bette. I don't know what the hell was going on with Bette's hair this episode, but the veil of misty confusion disappeared once I realized she was once again quietly giving THE best lines of the night. Highlights include "...some kind of lesbian dinner party nightmare" and the "masturbatory opus" line about Jenny's film that inspired the title of this post. It once again proves my theory that Ilene made Bette in her image. And that reminds me of one of my favorite videos on youtube...


3. Sex and titties, and yes, even boobies. Though not overtly used in this episode, its still important to note that the writers payed attention to the need to show me it's loyal audience boobies and titties and stuff this season. "Anonymous" recently left a message on one of my 2 new blogsites and said that I should stop talking or thinking about boobies (I cant remember which, cause I was thinking and talking about boobies when I read it). And to that particular "Anonymous," I say first of all, hi! *big gay wave with my shirt off and titties swaying* And second I say, um...if you don't appreciate bare boobies and talk of bare boobies, you have certainly found yourself in exactly the wrong it were. So I press my hard nipple against your rigid face and I say to you, go on over to a less-boobtacular blogspace. Like the um..."I dont like boobies or fun or sunshine or all" blog I've heard so much about. So for the record, I say 'yes' to more gratuitous locker room nake-ticity. 'Yes' to more Shane on Shane hairdresser chair sex. And 'yes' to more of Dawn's lover Cindy and my lover Niki being completely naked, anywhere, all the time.

2. Tasha and Alice. Doin' it. But this time, with their hearts. Aw. It was so romantical and shit. Good job, team!

1. I'd go gay for...the L Word! My own masturbatory opus happened when Molly said the words: "I'm gonna go gay for shane and..."

Yes it was a proud (lesbian) moment for me when the show pulled from my super-cool uber-famous "I'd go gay for Shane" tshirts. I guess they didn't like the less popular "Make Dana a ghost in season 5, don't send away Helena in season 5, where the frick is Papi in season 5, and where's the episode where Arlan gets to, ya know, *do it* with all the lead season 5?" shirt. Maybe next season? :-)

...and to my sweet Helena, wherever you are...

You jump, I jump, right Helena? *sigh*


Victoria said...

ok so first of all I have to say "I love u, and ur blog!!"
second, I soo wished I had your number last night when Molly said "I'm gonna go gay for Shane", so that I could share your joys of that line making it on the show!!
Thanks for the awesome blogs Arlan, You Rock!!

allison said...

Awesome, totally awesome! I was just blogging "Donde esta Papi" on my space and there you go asking it too. What's up L Word? Not so much as a peep about Papi this season. I thought Tasha looked so hot in the gym, but then, damn did she run like a girl! No way she learned that in PT. And Bette's hair! We spent half the episode freaking out about her hair. When is Season 1 hair/style going to return?
But great blog as usual.

Anonymous said...

1) i laughed so hard at speghetti girl!
2)this is the 2nd episode in a row w/ no max...i believe...(and i LOVE britney spears)
3)tasha ran...i thought "whoa! arms pump front to back, not side to side, girl!"
4) still love bette's adulterous ass. she always has this pained look on her face. like she's struggling so hard w/ internal demons
5) immediatley thought of your blog w/ "im gonna go gay for shane"

shaevoyuer said...

I noticed too how she ran like a girl in her army uniform. I heard from some lucky friends who hung with them last Sunday in their special L Word Actor pit in LA that Rose Rollins wasn't so much the tough butch in real life. The girls in SF love her character on the show - they were bummed she wasn't really like Tasha. Maybe I'll stop telling them.

arlan said...

yep i've met rose and she's definitely REALLY girly. she's just a good actress who can play "butch"-ish very well:-)

Anonymous said...

so this whole blogging thing is new to me, new to the site as well but i gotta say, i'm a fan :) now the weird coincidence of "go gay for shane" on last nights episode all makes sense! --p

Trouble said...


I watch each week FOR Papi .. she betta hurry up n bring her ass back... Helena's Daddy.. is NO Papi. whew

I LOVE BOOBS!! Please dont stop talking about them or I'll be all alone on the boob circuit!

you know what I love tho... all these "straight" women on the show....

just goes to show u that kissing girls is fun for everyone! lol

now.. where in the hell can I get one of those.. Where is Papi shirts?

you tickle ma soul Arlen..


Anonymous said...

I so score the stoic court reporter position since that's my real day job. Step in line, sistah! :O) LOL, love the blogs.
- Kinita

Just Cirroc said...

Tasha, you run like a girl, gurl.

LMAO....glad I'm not the only one who noticed that.

Though I will say that I was more than a bit disappointed to see Tasha sell out rather than stay in and complete her tour of service.

As a gay veteran myself, I knew exactly what I was getting into before I signed that contract. The UCMJ is very clear on homosexual conduct. Besides, I didn't join the military to try and change the Pentagon's policy on Don't Ask, Don't Tell but rather to serve my country and get a good start in life.

Initially, I was really impressed with Tasha's strong conviction to duty, honor, country, which makes her caving in all the more disappointing.

I dunno…it just would’ve been nice to see her stay in uniform.

Anonymous said...

I was wonder the same thing about Bette's hair too...and Papi, and Max, and Helena...i love you Arlan...***whispering*** i love you.
PS, I almost felt sorry for Jenny this episode...almost.

Just Cirroc said...

And to the writer who penned Molly's "We're gonna adopted Chinese babies and live in a trailer park" line......that was freakin' brilliant.

Probably the funniest quote so far this season.

Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

LOL I love boobs to girl. You're not alone on that one.

Anonymous said...

i heard the l word writers just didnt know what to do with papi's storyline...i miss her though! : (

A. said...

i love love love the l word.
watched it religiously.
but this season!? come on its turning into a joke. the show used to have a sort of artsy feel with the weird beginnings incorporated in the story. theyre trying to turn a drama into a comedy and not pulling it off. tina and bette, id love them together, but this bullshit makes it seem like theyre just in lust, not love at all.
i really hope they step it up, the intensity isnt there and i miss the old l word!

Sarah said...

arlan did you say you met tasha? yaaay

i love alice and tasha and that scene where they kissed and were happy and she spun her around, OH MY GOD SOOOO CUTE AND BEAUTIFUL I LOVED IT.

i hate bette because even though she's beautiful and smart and successful, she's always such a downer. even jodi and tina are like, lighten up. it's boring to watch.


Anonymous said...

"Make Dana a ghost in season 5, don't send away Helena in season 5, where the frick is Papi in season 5, and where's the episode where Arlan gets to, ya know, *do it* with all the lead season 5?" shirt.

oh how i laughed just then..

jetgirl said...

Damn Arlan - why did you dedicate that Titanic song to Helena!?! As if I didn't miss her enough already.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO! Girl this was too funny. Yeah as soon as I heard "I'll go gay for Shane" I thought of you. That was cool. Keep talkin bout boobies and thinkin bout rock girl.

Anonymous said...

I'm kind of one of those spaghetti girls except if we're talking about pasta, i'm the more crooked noodle. :-P

I love your blog and your top 10 lists, seriously. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

I'm thrilled that Rose & Alice are back together. Didn't even know that was Kelly McGillis until I read your blog....interesting.

This is my first year watching (I know - "Where have you been, girl"), but has Max been paired with anyone on the show?

Fleur de Lisa said...

#10 was the best line. I think we've all run into our share of spaghetti girls.

Please don't stop talking about boobies. That would be a shame. A crying shame.

Brian said...

The L Word is ALWAYS a masturbatory opus!!! At least to us straight men...

They need to show more naked feet on TLW. They used to be better about showing that. :) I'm more a leg/foot man than a breast man. Especially feet. I bet Matlin has nice feet because she is short!!! Short girls have the best feet.

military girls are hot because they are tough yet still feminine! I love Tasha's firm, sculpted body!!! I am a military veteran too, unfortunately there are no females allowed on submarine crews in the US Navy, so I didn't have any as shipmates. I always liked seeing the tough girls though.

One wanted to take my virginity away in boot camp, I remember her being hot, but I told her I wouldn't do it because I am not into casual sex.

Well, one of my organs is, but not the one I use to think with!!!

--Brian, 30 male, Silicon Valley

Anonymous said...

nooooooooooo arlan DO NOT stop talking about boobies n sunshine n fun n doin it etc. i love it! i want to hear about it all the time. more of us need to feel the sun baby!!!!

Panda said...

haha...yeah..tasha did run like a girl...buuuuuut it's seriously hard as hell to run in those uniforms..and when you "double time" in class a's(what tasha was wearing) it is hard as hell to not run like a girl...anywhore...great post...long live boobies and sunshine :)

Anonymous said...

i LOVED the "go gay for shane" line myself....but OMG tasha, tasha, hott!!! & it's about time her & alice got back together....i was so happy i wanted to seriously my friends & i were just asking wussup wit PAPI....WE LOVE YOU PAPI!!! WE MISS YOU!!!

Amanda said...

When I heard that "I'm gonna go gay for Shane"...I thought, hey...did they get that from Arlan? Tasha and Alice are soooooo damn cute together. I was bummed when they "split" but now I'm all shits & giggles again. Marlee's spaghetti girl line was one of the best I've heard on the show! I'm so on your team with the whole boobies, doin' it, locker-room-nakeddness, etc. I'm bout it bout it, girl! I'm wondering if Adele killed Max or something because...WHERE THE HELL IS HE? And she's one weird bird. She may just have killed him and we don't know yet. Thanks again for your funnyness :)

Anonymous said...

So I must say, I am loving the posts after each episode. I agree with all of your one liners in this blog...but you missed one. What about Jenny's line in the trailor? About the guys snot....oh crap I cant remember the line now but I remember my gf and I pissing ourselves laughing after she said it. I used to hate Jenny's character, but this season she is so amazing. She makes me laugh every episode. Anyway just though you shoudl have added that....unless thats something that only Canadians find funny...? Keep it up Arlan!

Aimee said...

I think Tasha ran like a girl, because she was so giddy to get to FINALLY be with Alice and not worry.

And the Army Woman was a les too! Haha