Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 1 Was... "One Big Ass Whoopin'"

10. Max's 3.5-second Appearance on Alice's Computer Screen.

The way the show's been treating my dear Max, I'm surprised they gave him that much time. Someone's going to have to tell me where Max lives and where he is when he's not with the rest of the cast. Wait a minute. You don't think... you don't think he like...lives in the 'puter, do you??

9. Clementine Ford is Still Effin' Hot.

...and I'm still the dork who dorked out that one time I met her. Yeah. Some advice: Don't do that when you meet Clementine Ford. Don't dork out on her like I did. And if you do dork out on her like I did, don't post details about the dorking out on a website that she reads. Yeah. Anyhoo...she was hot last year. She's hot this year. And whether or not she realizes it, she's also one of the most naturally talented of all the cast members. Don't you think? Mark my words...this ain't the last you'll see/hear of her on film.

8. "Fuck That!"
Last year I said that Showtime must allot the writers a certain amount of *fuck* points to use throughout the season. I sure hope they were given extras this year, because if they weren't we won't be hearing another curse word again. They used the FUCK out of that word in this episode. And if they've run out of fuck points, how in the world will we know when Tasha is pissed? Or when Bette is? Or... Alice? Or...Shane? Or...Jenny? Or...


7. Xena, Whorier Princess? I Sure Hope So.
Don't throw things at me when I tell you this, but I've never seen an episode of "Xena." Yeah, I'm serious. I know I'm supposed to have. It's my lesbian duty and all. And for that failure, I am sorry. But I just have a hard time getting into shows like that. I tried SO hard to get into "Buffy" cause of all the gay (and cause lots of my readers threatened to do something they referred to as a "vampire slaying on dat ass" if I didn't)...but that didn't work out either. But I did see Lucy Lawless in person at a Prop 8 rally in L.A. that one time and I totally dig her accent and loved when she was on SNL. Does all that count? I sure hope so. Besides the fact that she looks SO much like Helena--which we all know is NEVER a bad thing--I'm looking forward to seeing how the writers are going to make it so she's able to get it on with someone while investigating Jenny's death. Not sure, but I think this will be involved somehow:


6. Tasha's Swagger
Tasha's just got that jam. Her eyebrows were on point in this episode, and even wearing that same old vest they always have her in, she still managed to make me love that taffy. You know its gotta be that laugh of Rose's. And the bandana. And the taffy. You know what I'm talkin' bout. Only one problem: Did Alice really call her the best person she's ever met? What about Dana? Or am I being too sensitive? While we figure out the answers to these questions, let us stare at the Tasha/Alice taffy we've all come to love:


5. The Curious Case of Jennifer Beals

What if I told you that instead of gettin' olda, Jennifer Beals was gettin' yunga dan e'rybody else? Yep. That bitch is getting younger before our very eyes! I wanna know what kinda tonic or ya know...ointment, she uses. Whatever it is (I know...I know...), she should package it and sell it with a picture of her face on the bottle like that Paul Newman used to do. Oh and by the way, that whole hospital debacle would have never happened if Tina and Bette would have just let me and Helena babysit Baby Girl like we offered. I mean seriously, you get caught making out naked with Helena ONE TIME in the Porter-Kennard household and you're branded for life. Geez!

4. There's Papi! ...oh and Also, Someone Mentioned Carmen.

I still don't know when Alice moved into a castle, but I do know where I wanna hang tonight: Papi's crib. Bitch-filled balconies. Bitch-filled kitches. Bitch-filled foyers. You gotta love it.

3. Oh My God: They Killed Jenny! Yoooou Bastards!
Ilene Chaiken recently admitted in an interview with the Advocate that she now regrets killing off Dana... and I was totally going to make fun of this, until I realized how cool it is that she admitted that. That's a tough thing to do when you're trying to please so many crazy ass lesbians people. So Juno-kudos for that, Ilene. Good times. Now that that's taken care of, all that silly death is over and we can get back to the sexua...wait, I'm getting a message from my producer....
They killed someone else? An extra? Or like, Mangus? What, a principle character? Well not someone who's been on the show since day one, right? Oh. Jenny Schecter. K. *excuse me while my head explodes cartoon style* *deep breath* Ok I can handle this. I trust the writers and their vision. *head tilt* Oh and bi the way, I think I know who diiiiiid iiiiiit...

2. I Got Yo Bag Back, Gurl.
I think out of all the cast members, Kate Moennig seems to have the most fun with her job. And watching her go around West Hollywood begging people for a couch to crash on while carrying her cute little sack that I can only assume was full of finger condoms and gumption...well it just brought back memories of...well...my life last week:-)
I love this video tribute to Shane:


1. Jenny's...Left...(and Right)...Boob!!
Ok first of all let me just declare something right here and now: from now on, I will do ALL of my household chores while only wearing pants and a bra. There's absolutely no reason for it except for the mailman to get an awful eyeful, but if Jenny's doin it, I'm doin it. K? Now second of all, THIS:

Yeah that video is certainly going to be taken off of Youtube tres, tres soon (and the actual scene is longer...check it out on Showtime). But uh, Mia Kirshner needs to have my babies. That bitch can act her ass off.

BONUS gripe! 3 words: Not. Enough. Helena.
So what did you think of this episode overall? I've received feedback from people that ranges from "omg! it was so awesome i loved it the whole cast should marry me yaaay!" (paraphrasing of course) to "omg, boring, i hated it wtf??"...What did YOU think? My opinion is as long as there's some Rachel Shelley on my screen in every episode (*cough*dylansex*cough*) and the writers don't decide to kill her off, or sell her to Papi, or send her on a "play date" for 3 months with Baby Girl, I'm a happy camper. The rest of the show is just filler to get me to some Rachel Shelley on my screen. You dig? You dig:-) Oh and I don't know who sings this or what she's going on about, but I DO know that it is very important that we all watch Rachel Shelley move in slow motion right now:

You know that little security move she did this episode? I taught her that between all the sex we had. I also taught her how to give *dap* better than Foxxy Brown. Who knew she had it in her??