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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 2 Was...The Black Hole of Cal-CUNT-a

10. Helena & Her Glasses.

My baby can read the EFF out of some blueprints, y'all. Bet you didn't know. Bet the hot body and accent threw you off. One thing though, why oh why did she and Kit have to be wearing glasses while they were working on budgeting for the club? It was kind of like an elementary school play where you have to dress the kids up in over-the-top gear in order for the adults to understand what the hell the play is about. If only it had been a storyline about Helena's stripping addiction. Hmmm...maybe Jennifer beals could teach her a thing or two?

9. When Tasha and Alice Aren't Fucking or Laughing, They Get on My Last Nerve.
But to be fair, that is true of EVERY single lesbian couple I know. So what are ya gonna do.

(pic from:

I'm really not sure what happened between that really romantic moment where Tasha ran out of the courtroom lookin' all cute in her uniform and she and Alice got so romantical and shiz...and NOW, where every other scene they're biting each other's heads off and getting all PMS city on our asses. But as the characters realized in this episode, when they're gettin' their taffy on, things are good. And when Rose and Leisha are doing their improve scenes making each other laugh, things are good. So hopefully episodes 3 through 8 will just be a montage of Alice/Tasha sex then laughing...laughing then then sex...I mean laughing.

8. Leave it to Jessie Spano to Use Up All the "Fuck" Points.

...but damn if she's not looking good!

7. Helena & Her Jogging Outfit.
I've never wanted to be a more in my life!

6. Jane Lynch, in All Her Funny-Ass Naked Glory.

I told y'all bitches that I wanted to be Jane Lynch when I grew up. And I used to think I wanted to be her in a white tank top and suspenders. But now I know, I HAVE to be her completely nude. At all times. Cause wow, I thought after watching 40 Year Old Virgin, Best in Show, Role Models (and the list goes on...and on.... and on) that she wouldn't be able to surprise me or impress me any more. But oh my did she prove me wrong. Just naked. And chilly. And naked. That bitch is crazy. And I love it.

5. The Chronicles of Helena... All of Leisha Hailey's work in the club scenes was hilarious, but the best part had to be at the end of her *Helena rundown: Seasons 4&5 in exactly 60-seconds* spiel when she said "...and don't get me started on the kids, cause where did they go?" Amen Alice! Amen. Where the EFF are Helena's chil'rens? And you can't blame their absence on me because I told her right off the bat, if you want to be in a relationship with me, I want to get to know your kids. I'm a do right, all night, woman. And then we, ya know...did it.

4. I Never Thought I'd Say This, But...
There are TOO Many Damn Lesbians in L.A.!
At least in L Wordland. Now I've lived in L.A. for 2 years and I get it, there are a LOT of us there. A LOT. Don't believe me? Just try to get into the Falcon on a Sunday night to watch the L Word. There are a lot of lesbians. A plethora of bitches. And I've found that there are a lot more of what you'd call the "femme" type. Several of the lesbians are professional and out and proud and fabulous. But DAMN. In L Word land, all of the cops, military personnel, club owners, hair dressers, professors, lawyers, computer techs, sports professionals & actresses (oh wait, they're right about those two), grocery store checkout girls, UPS delivery drivers (...oh wait!)...etc are LESBIANS. And not only are they the gay, but they're SUPER hot. I of course know that its just a show and its a mixture of fantasy and realism--since I've defended that aspect of it from day one--but something about this episode was just a bit overwhelming when it came to that. For once, I'd like to see a hot straight girl show up as a friend. We all have those, right? And she's not even fighting us in court or yelling discriminatory slurs at us. She's just eatin' her chili fries and mindin' her bizness like the rest of us. I think the reason they keep losing Baby Girl is cause she was demanding too much of a salary. So instead, they split it among all these bitches that showed up in this episode. At last count I had:
Elizabeth Berkeley
Jane Lynch
Alexandra Hedison
Cybill Shephard
Marlee Matlin
But that's nothing compared to what ended up on the cutting room floor. I was able to get the exclusive clips!:

3. Helena in Her...Oh Shit, She's Yelling, Y'all!

I'm making the official declaration that it is completely OK to use the word "fuck" as many times as you want to while on the L Word--as long as you are Rachel Shelley and you are either yelling it at someone or moaning it in my ear. I didn't make the rules. I am just here to enforce them.
By the way, this is what it looks like when Helena isn't yelling at Dylan:

2. Max Has a Beard and is Pregnant, Just Like Your Grandma.

Well I can't complain about Max not getting any lines or any semblance of a plot for so many episodes and then get upset when they go ahead and give him the plot of ALL plots, now can I? But I just have to say um...WHAT? And also: WHAT?? And on a completely different topic, WHAT THE FUCK? What do you guys think of this plot twist? Are you afraid they're biting off a bit more than they can chew with only 6 episodes left? Or are you glad they're finally giving Daniela Sea a meaty script so she can like...actually say words and stuff this season? Are you just as confused as I am about why Max called that dude a "faggot" so many times and kicked him in the balls? Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie em in a knot... Oh and uh, I never thought I'd say this either, but uh: I want the SOUL PATCH BACK, man.

1. The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.

K here's the deal. Shane and Jenny totally made out at the end of the episode. I know most of you don't like this for some reason that I haven't really figured out. And yes, it's strange. Yes, it was unexpected to the 50% of y'all who didn't steal the whole season off of the net weeks ago. Yes, it makes you wonder what the hell the writers were thinking. But I stand here today and I ask you this: What plotline on the L Word since Season 3 hasn't made you wonder this?? Let Shenny 'lone. Let them BE.


I have a lot of heroes in my life who give me strength, courage and hope. Today, I add another person to that list. Her name is Melissa. And though I've never met her and didn't know a thing about her until about 5 minutes ago (still dont), I can honestly say she is the wind beneath my wings. Melissa is the blonde in this picture:

Now, the next wind beneath my wings would be someone who could superimpose a picture of me into that one and take out Rose (no offense girl, just wanna rock with Rachel for a while. We still cool though, right?)...if anyone can do that and send me a link to the pic, I'll be your bff for like, at least 24 hours.


Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one wondering where in the hell Helena's kids were. Sometimes they do a really good job of forgetting certain aspects of the characters.

I also was wondering if any straight people were ever going to pop up in an episode besides Kit. I know it's the L Word and all but,they have to be a little more realistic...For instance that one scene where the Delivery lady hit on Bette and gave her the case of steaks. I can't remember which season it was but, I was thinking " seriously, does EVERYONE have to be gay?"

As far as Shenny (Shane/Jenny), I don't know why everyone is so mad at that. It makes perfect sense to me and I've been waiting for there asses to kiss for a long time. Shane is the only one that stood behind Jenny through all of her craziness. Even though she stabbed her in the back and fucked Nicki,Shane was still the ONLY one who was there for Jenny

.......Great top 10

Anonymous said...

I've been pining after Shenny for 4 seasons. It's about damn time.

If all the episodes really are online, someone should get at me with a link.

Last, I'm totally taking the photoshop challenge. It's so much better than homework. It's Homowork.

(AIM: XRainHerselfX)

Mia said...

I loved it. I know I just told you this but I loveddd the alice storytelling. It reminded me so much of season one and her chart. And muthafucking Jane Lynch! I love her, as well. and one more thing. I'm pretty straight and narrow. and i'd be on that show ANY day eating some chili fries. can ya make it happen for me? i know ya can.

Jaimie said...

we don't like it cause its sooo wronggggg, I really think jenny is doing it to get back at shane in some how that im not sure of yet. I think if she were really in love we would have seen some lead up to it, even a sideways romantic glance. but there has only been best friend affection.

to reply a little to that girl up there, they're best friends! a person can't have a best friend without being in love with them anymore?

i was laughing so hard at helena, i seriously love her more now post prison. although i hope she doesnt get back with dylan.

and to conclude, it would be nice to see some straight people in an epi. everyone being a hot lezzie is unrealistic.

nerdmafia said...

l word mysteries: yeah, where the hell are helena's kids that she was all about to have ugly divorces and custody battles over and whatnot? wtf? also (i've said it before and i'll say it again) where the hell is adele? i know that crazy single white female-ass bitch didn't just up and find a new job...and i do not trust her when i can't see what she's up to. diabolical! AND, it's great that daniela sea now has something to do for the last 6 episodes, but isn't this whole storyline a little too "ripped from the headlines"? the REAL trans-man pregnancy was soap opera drama enough...what they gone do wit it on the l word? in a side note: as the two nakedest characters on the show, i find it perplexing (and frustrating) that shane and jenny hooked up and i did not see a single left boobie. that just doesn't seem right to me.

Rochelle said...

Anonymous i watch all the episodes online cause i dont get showtime in my dorm! I use

I freaking loved tasha and alice in this episode, they had me bustin up laughing. Especially when they were making that pro's and con's list!

arlan said...

@Glen...and Kit isn't straight anymore. She's queer... so the only straight girl we had is m.i.a.

arlan said...

@anonymous: "homowork" in love:-)

Anonymous said...

Ok, Helena is giving you some love. Now you gotta do me a favor and get me a date using the blog. ;0)

if I'm hot enough to do an intro video for you, I HAVE to be able to get a date.

(lor)raine(e) said...

my bad, forgot to post it.

Homowork complete.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I just got finished watching it in full finally. So whoever needs a link:

Arlan- Ahh, I forgot about that. I think I read about that somewhere on another blog.Do you know how long I've been dying for Kit to just finally cross the road. Anywho, I wish she would have went further with Papi.

Back to EP2, Max tripped me out. I can't get over him calling his bf a faggot and kicking him. It's like ok so you want to be a man and you've had the procedures to make you one but, now all of a sudden you won't own up to what you are and you want to call your partner a faggot as if you're not gay all of a sudden.

Whew.... EP1 was just blah to me but, EP2 soooo made up for it. I freakin' love this show!

Minnie-sota said...

Haha, I enjoyed your top 10, Arlan. Except I am one of those going, Ew! over Shane & Jenny.

Angelica said...

Minnie-sorta, you're not the only one. I kinda was like EWW myself. I just think its f**king weird. The next ep is going to be funny tho. Looks like Helena and Alice feel the same way we do too. Arlan, your top 10 are great.. made me laugh so hard. Great work :)

Anonymous said...


Can an L word friendship ever NOT turn into a sexual relation?

It's not that I don't like Jenny & Shane, I actually think they fit together quite nicely like nice lego pieces or some shit... but isn't it a little... well Dana-Alice plotline. Really good friends turns lovers turns one of them is dead....

Really, L word... really?

p.Johanna said...

Ok, is no one wondering why all of a sudden Max looks like a BEAR? At first I was bitching that if this whole season is about Shane kissing Jenny's ass I was going to Boycott, but then, I couldn't BELIEVE IT! i want Carmen BACK!

Great review...luv'd it.

SunLFrog said...

That Melissa... is Melissa Carter who is an out DJ on a morning radio show in ATL. She is one of the most amazing people, she is always the voice of sanity on the Bert show. During the 5 years I lived in Atlanta, she was part of my morning commute. You should love her. I think she is also on a nationally syndicated program called Twist. Just google all the hits Q100 and you should be able to find out more about her.

vaneaquin said...

Okay, seriously, I've been waiting for Jenny and Shane to hook up since season ONE, and I am SO FRIKKIN EXCITED that they finally are. I've always had a hunch they would eventually, I mean COME ON, over half the theme song shows pictures of Shane and Jenny getting it on. What's not to be expected?

Also, Max getting pregnant totally threw me off. Not sure how they're going to pull it off within six episodes.

kellyk1023 said...

Hi Arlan. I'm pretty sure that I know who you're mystery woman and new found hero "Melissa" is. She's Melissa Carter, an atlanta area DJ. She's a local gay celebrity. She's part of the Bert Show morning show on Q100 and also hosts a gay radio show on sunday nights! You should check her out.

Solo-Evolution said...

more disappointment....
Max nd all he represents is being very ridiculous... remember the pregnant man on Oprah ?? well...thats what reminds me of... nd the facial hair ?? really???I respect ALL ppl who go tru such a difficult transaction...nd I know some who have thought about doing it, but honestly I dont like the way they have handled this story in the serial...nd Daniela is definitely not a big actress (for me) doesnt matter how many lines they give her...

Helena..u go girl...shout it out nd loud....

I must say the fist scene where both Helena nd Kit were with reading glasses I laughed loud...haha its like they couldnt decide which one will have glasses so the scene looks more business like

Jen nd was question of time.....

Bette Tina.....the same old pain

Joddy....why they even bother to put her back?!...she has been arrogant self in love biatch nd she is still such...

Dylan.....whats wrong with the hair,dudette?!

Sidney D. said...

There are plenty of straight people on The L Word. Its just that they dont talk much with them. The people that work at The Planet. Some of them are straight. The therapist dude is straight. The other people that work with Bette and Jody at the college. Umm... And random people that pass by. Appairently in L Word land lesbians are way to good to talk with staight people on a friend level.
Also what happened to Jennys dog? Also Appairently Shane forgot all about her little brother that she wanted to bring back to live with her. And how is Shane getting her money cuz didnt she walk off the set with Jenny? She hasnt been doing any other gigs so did she just have a bunch of cash saved up or something?
So many unanwered questions. Thats the L Word for ya.

Amy said...

um...may i have a shane of my own please? ...and thank you.

and if they really wanted to make you say WTF?! they could bring back erin daniels. talk about your plot twists. ha.

porselen kertenkele said...

'ere you go. dat was fun. now me. and rose. meandrose. mmm.

Mike M. said...

So, first of all, I don't know that I've ever actually left you a comment on your site before, but I have to let you know that I read it ALL the time. lol I'm a straight guy and I watch The L Word. Let me just get that out in the open, and I'm not one of those guys that just watch it because it's a lot of girl on girl action...I genuinely LOVE this show for SO many more reasons than that.

In regards to this episode, I want to comment on what you said about them biting off more than they can chew with only 6 episodes left....and my answer is YES! I mean, they very well could fix things, and I'm loving all these plot twists and what not, but I feel like I can't really enjoy them to the fullest because it honestly worries me as to whether or not they'll fix what's going on in SIX episodes. *bites nails* Just wanted to share.

Keep up the good work with this, because your Top Ten Reasons... that you do are GREAT! They make me laugh EVERY time I read them...and I do read them all. haha So, thanks for this. You're awesome.


P.S. I would totally superimpose your face with Rachel's and take out Rose's to be your BFF for like 24 hours...if I could. I can't though. What's a guy to do??

Sha25 said...

Enjoyed the post like always Arlan!

jordi said...

i just want to let you know that every lesbian in atlanta loves melissa carter! she is amazing! you should definetly meet her one day!

Anonymous said...

I just wanna let you know that I'll take Rose off your hands for you in that picture. Mm Mm Good!

Will said...

All right, I'm all happy and shiz that Daniela is getting a decent storyline but COME ON! That is right from the headlines, man! Ever hear of Thomas Beaty? Yeah, he was a trans guy who had a baby. Now, I have no problem with a trans dude having a baby but when it's the only ftm trans news EVER I get a little pissy.

Ilene could have totally given Max a better storyline that represented the trans community in a more accurate way. And Ilene, please shave my homeboy Max's face. He looks like Paul Bunyan.

Sarah said...

haha, bearded and pregnant just like your grandma.

btw, i can TOTALLY photoshop your face onto that picture. you've seen my skills.

thefanmyj said...

Prediction: Max has the baby and Bette and Tina adopt him/her.

Amy said...

oooohhh. i like where your heads at.

Solo said...

my dear....have a look at those pictures nd decide for urself if i would be able to put ur face in any other picture u want :)))

the second one was done aaaaages i like to think im much higher level :))

Lorraine said...

My guess is Max will miscarry.

Brian said...

OMG JENNIFER BEALS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! and I know she likes boys because she is married to one. :-) Between Shane, Bette, and Tasha, I don't know who is the finest!! All three are so beautiful :-)

Anonymous said...

THIS WAS A GREAT EPISODE!!!!!!!!! holy shit... I cant believe shanea dn jenn kissed yet I can... i mean their chemistry has been brewin for awhile hellooo! I wonder if ilene made it like that (did she know they were gonna hook up eventually) or wat cuz theyve always had that chemistry... sucks jenny has to die.. sucks this si the last season! ahh!!

scene between bette and tina was hot...

loved how dylan came back and helena gave her a piece of her mind.. wonder waht will hapeen between them if helena will forgive her... i wouldnt be opposed to it.

i am in canada, and i am an episode behind the states thats why im writin this now..just watched it!1