Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 2 Was...The Black Hole of Cal-CUNT-a

10. Helena & Her Glasses.

My baby can read the EFF out of some blueprints, y'all. Bet you didn't know. Bet the hot body and accent threw you off. One thing though, why oh why did she and Kit have to be wearing glasses while they were working on budgeting for the club? It was kind of like an elementary school play where you have to dress the kids up in over-the-top gear in order for the adults to understand what the hell the play is about. If only it had been a storyline about Helena's stripping addiction. Hmmm...maybe Jennifer beals could teach her a thing or two?


9. When Tasha and Alice Aren't Fucking or Laughing, They Get on My Last Nerve. But to be fair, that is true of EVERY single lesbian couple I know. So what are ya gonna do.

(pic from: www.thelword-downbelow.com)

I'm really not sure what happened between that really romantic moment where Tasha ran out of the courtroom lookin' all cute in her uniform and she and Alice got so romantical and shiz...and NOW, where every other scene they're biting each other's heads off and getting all PMS city on our asses. But as the characters realized in this episode, when they're gettin' their taffy on, things are good. And when Rose and Leisha are doing their improve scenes making each other laugh, things are good. So hopefully episodes 3 through 8 will just be a montage of Alice/Tasha sex then laughing...laughing then sex...sex then sex...I mean laughing.

8. Leave it to Jessie Spano to Use Up All the "Fuck" Points.

...but damn if she's not looking good!

7. Helena & Her Jogging Outfit.
I've never wanted to be a more in my life!

6. Jane Lynch, in All Her Funny-Ass Naked Glory.

I told y'all bitches that I wanted to be Jane Lynch when I grew up. And I used to think I wanted to be her in a white tank top and suspenders. But now I know, I HAVE to be her completely nude. At all times. Cause wow, I thought after watching 40 Year Old Virgin, Best in Show, Role Models (and the list goes on...and on.... and on) that she wouldn't be able to surprise me or impress me any more. But oh my did she prove me wrong. Just naked. And chilly. And naked. That bitch is crazy. And I love it.

5. The Chronicles of Helena... All of Leisha Hailey's work in the club scenes was hilarious, but the best part had to be at the end of her *Helena rundown: Seasons 4&5 in exactly 60-seconds* spiel when she said "...and don't get me started on the kids, cause where did they go?" Amen Alice! Amen. Where the EFF are Helena's chil'rens? And you can't blame their absence on me because I told her right off the bat, if you want to be in a relationship with me, I want to get to know your kids. I'm a do right, all night, woman. And then we, ya know...did it.

4. I Never Thought I'd Say This, But... There are TOO Many Damn Lesbians in L.A.!
At least in L Wordland. Now I've lived in L.A. for 2 years and I get it, there are a LOT of us there. A LOT. Don't believe me? Just try to get into the Falcon on a Sunday night to watch the L Word. There are a lot of lesbians. A plethora of bitches. And I've found that there are a lot more of what you'd call the "femme" type. Several of the lesbians are professional and out and proud and fabulous. But DAMN. In L Word land, all of the cops, military personnel, club owners, hair dressers, professors, lawyers, computer techs, sports professionals & actresses (oh wait, they're right about those two), grocery store checkout girls, UPS delivery drivers (...oh wait!)...etc are LESBIANS. And not only are they the gay, but they're SUPER hot. I of course know that its just a show and its a mixture of fantasy and realism--since I've defended that aspect of it from day one--but something about this episode was just a bit overwhelming when it came to that. For once, I'd like to see a hot straight girl show up as a friend. We all have those, right? And she's not even fighting us in court or yelling discriminatory slurs at us. She's just eatin' her chili fries and mindin' her bizness like the rest of us. I think the reason they keep losing Baby Girl is cause she was demanding too much of a salary. So instead, they split it among all these bitches that showed up in this episode. At last count I had:
Elizabeth Berkeley
Jane Lynch
Alexandra Hedison
Cybill Shephard
Marlee Matlin
But that's nothing compared to what ended up on the cutting room floor. I was able to get the exclusive clips!:



3. Helena in Her...Oh Shit, She's Yelling, Y'all!
I'm making the official declaration that it is completely OK to use the word "fuck" as many times as you want to while on the L Word--as long as you are Rachel Shelley and you are either yelling it at someone or moaning it in my ear. I didn't make the rules. I am just here to enforce them.
By the way, this is what it looks like when Helena isn't yelling at Dylan:


2. Max Has a Beard and is Pregnant, Just Like Your Grandma.

Well I can't complain about Max not getting any lines or any semblance of a plot for so many episodes and then get upset when they go ahead and give him the plot of ALL plots, now can I? But I just have to say um...WHAT? And also: WHAT?? And on a completely different topic, WHAT THE FUCK? What do you guys think of this plot twist? Are you afraid they're biting off a bit more than they can chew with only 6 episodes left? Or are you glad they're finally giving Daniela Sea a meaty script so she can like...actually say words and stuff this season? Are you just as confused as I am about why Max called that dude a "faggot" so many times and kicked him in the balls? Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie em in a knot... Oh and uh, I never thought I'd say this either, but uh: I want the SOUL PATCH BACK, man.

1. The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.

K here's the deal. Shane and Jenny totally made out at the end of the episode. I know most of you don't like this for some reason that I haven't really figured out. And yes, it's strange. Yes, it was unexpected to the 50% of y'all who didn't steal the whole season off of the net weeks ago. Yes, it makes you wonder what the hell the writers were thinking. But I stand here today and I ask you this: What plotline on the L Word since Season 3 hasn't made you wonder this?? Let Shenny 'lone. Let them BE.


BONUS!
I have a lot of heroes in my life who give me strength, courage and hope. Today, I add another person to that list. Her name is Melissa. And though I've never met her and didn't know a thing about her until about 5 minutes ago (still dont), I can honestly say she is the wind beneath my wings. Melissa is the blonde in this picture:

Now, the next wind beneath my wings would be someone who could superimpose a picture of me into that one and take out Rose (no offense girl, just wanna rock with Rachel for a while. We still cool though, right?)...if anyone can do that and send me a link to the pic, I'll be your bff for like, at least 24 hours.